NPR’s gag current events quiz show “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!” got gasps from its panelists, its audience and me this week when it discussed the supposedly growing trend of “canine plastic surgery”, including “face lifts for dogs.” WWDTM was, as is often the case, being a bit misleading in the interests of time and humor: the case that prompted the discussion was the story of a British couple who had spent thousands of dollars on wrinkle-reduction for their bloodhound, but it was not, as she show led us to believe, an effort to create a canine Joan Rivers. The dog had a rare medical condition in which it developed excessive skin folds that covered its eyes. Truth may be stranger than fiction, but sometimes it’s not as funny.
While researching the bloodhound story, however, I learned about “Neuticles”—
—fake testicles implanted in neutered dogs in order to…well, what, really?
“They range in size from XXS (Chihuahua) to XXL (Great Dane) and sell for as much as $579 a piece. And that’s before you factor in surgeon’s fees….Nearly a million Neuticles have been implanted in pets around the world. It’s a growing business…The surgery is not complicated. And the dog is on the table getting his real pair taken out anyway. The surgeon just pops the ersatz lug nuts straight in”
The story, from ABC, goes into speculation about how the surgery gives neutered dogs extra panache, or can be justified because the Neuticals “make a difference to his owner. Anything that strengthens the owner-animal bond has got to be a good thing, because a stronger bond means even more love, care and attention for that pet. Plus, dogs know when they’re being made a fuss of, and they love the attention.”
Really? Anything that strengthens the owner-animal bond has got to be a good thing? Then why not do outright cosmetic surgery on Fido then? After all, if he’s prettier in human terms, he’ll be “made a fuss of.” A designer nose! Plumped up dog lips! Liposuction! Derma-peels! Antlers! Eagle wings! Tails with American flags attached!
Wrong. Docking dogs’ tails is cruel and unnecessary surgery; so is trimming their ears, as was once standard with Great Danes. Making any animal undergo surgery for cosmetic alterations that a foolish owner favors is an abuse of power and thoroughly unethical. That includes implanting fake testicles.
Ethics Alarms 
What if they were installed when the dog was neutered? (Of course, dogs who are neutered as a puppy would either outgrow their prostheses or have to start with ridiculously large ones, which might make them popular until the lady dogs realize they’re just for show.)
There is a utilitarian reason for trimming the ears of certain dogs: As part of training a dog to be a watchdog/attack dog, trimming the ears makes impossible for a human to defend himself (or injure the dog) by grabbing and holding the dog’s ears.
–Dwayne
Similarly, there are utilitarian reasons to dock Jack Russell tails, IF the dog is going to be going into rabbit holes and needs a “handle” to pull out. But few ;Jacks are used that way in the US, and similarly, nobody in their right mind trains a Great Dane as an attack dog. They used to do that trimming for show dogs…and I’m still dubious about the excuse. Look at the ears on German Shepherds—they look like rabbits, That didn’t seem to make them any less effective as guard dogs..
I thought the reason for them (and unfortunately, I have know about the for awhile) is to get owners to neuter their dogs. Certain people buy certain breeds of dogs to make themselves look tough. In this group of people, neutered dogs are not considered ‘tough’, so people don’t neuter the dogs. That is where neuticles come it. This is the canine equivalent of adding a fake dual exhaust, a fake carbon fiber hood with nonfunctional scoop, a large rear wing, a fake turbo badge, and lots of stickers to your front-wheel drive car.
Michael…that is one of the dumbest things I have ever read. And I totally agree with your assessment. The neutical mindset is alive and well and it doesn’t just involve pets. I can’t count the number of times, while sitting at a red light, I have been forced to witness the sad spectacle of a neutical-like appendage hanging from underneath a large truck. The truck seems to always be “jacked up” at least six feet from the ground thereby making the appendage quite hard not to notice.
Ah, Truck Nuts!
Or the original Nutz article
Not again! (Truck Nutz I mean.) I hadn’t read the original Nutz post before (thanks, Tim), but did read the other, more recent one Tim linked to. This is only pontificating on principle, and is not to take issue with either Michael or even with Sue (respecting her sense of modesty). I just think there is entirely too much unwarranted prejudice against; lazy thinking about, and jumping to conclusions about, Truck Nutz and people who employ them. I have no vested interest or other, peripheral interest, such as a friend who uses Truck Nutz. And personally, I would not use Truck Nutz on any vehicle I own.
I think of myself as a more modest guy than average – more “uptight” than most. But honestly, no matter whatever motivates the people who hang Truck Nutz, I frankly don’t care. If nothing else, the nutz are educational, in a very basic way. I’m talking anatomy. And I think it’s wrong to take the “lesson” beyond anatomy to “teach” a kid (or anyone) that whoever is driving that truck up ahead is, no doubt, a backward, mal-socialized, knuckle-dragging fool.
Kids do ride in cars, and I’m sure a number of them still actually enjoy learning as they ride along, whenever they notice something “out there” from the safety of their (I hope) well-restrained seats. Maybe I think this way because of all the times I was a passenger when I was a kid, and learned so much.
But all I can think is how lots of kids live with pets and siblings, yet more and more kids are growing up without having a clue about what large land animals look like. They might notice the scrotum of a family member, or perhaps of a nearby dog, or visit a zoo – even suffer exposure to internet porn – yet still never “make the connection.” More and more kids barely know (if at all) where the meat they eat comes from – too busy device-using, texting etc. while they ride along, to even have the opportunity to notice that males of the species of large land animals have body parts that look like Truck Nutz.
That’s it: A vehicle with Truck Nutz looks a little like the natural state of males of large land animal species. Any crude humor the things might convey is easy enough to learn, but is thus also even easier to mature beyond very quickly. Can we just leave it there? Good grief!
So.. will the judges at AKC events now have to do a “close visual inspection”, or even an X-ray, to make sure the dog being considered for best in breed, or show, is displaying “factory equipment” rather than after market. They did this to our cars to determine if they qualified as “stock” at the drag races.
At to the “ears” issue… I had a Bullmastiff once. We liked the idea that the regulations for showing did not require any ear or tail modification. If someone was foolish enough to let that guy, with fire in his eye, get close enough to grab an ear, they deserved what happened next. Jack, you seem to feel the same about the German Shepherds.
The Great Dane story is inspiring. 20 years ago they were all clipped and pointed, now the breed is seldom seen without natural ears, and they are beautiful.
The commentary on this article got really weird really quick, didn’t it?!