A fed-up husband named Jim decided to pave the ground for his impending divorce announcement by uploading a video of his wife’s ridiculous tantrum to YouTube, where it went viral. The wife, known to us only by her first name of Whitney, reacts to her husband’s refusal to “take her to the lake” with the kind of meltdown that would get any seven-year old to time-out. During her antics, Jim sounds alternately resigned and amused, playing the role of a long-suffering spouse who is tolerating, once again, his wife’s and abusive bizarre behavior.
But then he knew he was being recorded.
Here’s the video.
Obviously Whitney has problems. Jim, however, is a cur. Every marriage has its moments where one or both partners behave outrageously, childishly, disgracefully, foolishly, abusively, embarrassingly, and it is a vital component of the unspoken pact of wedlock that these moments are private and confidential. Marriage is a relationship of trust, the one safe environment in which husband and wife can be completely free to be themselves without fear of wider exposure, criticism or humiliation, because each is secure in the belief that the other’s conduct is governed by unconditional love. What Jim did to Whitney is a horrible betrayal, a vicious act of cruelty designed to cause humiliation and shame to someone who trusted him.
You can say he couldn’t stand her tantrums any more, you can say he had been pushed to his limit, you can say that she got what such immaturity deserves, you can find all manner of rationalizations. Nevertheless, placing this video of a private encounter on the web is indefensible and unforgivable, a breach of trust, honesty, fairness and respect. It causes me to wonder what other cruelties accumulated to make his wife into the unstable basket case she appears to be. She is the victim here.
Post script: Once again, I am faced here with the dilemma we have debated before, regarding the ethics of my posting the video, the vehicle of the unethical web-shaming, and thus adding to the victim’s humiliation. My decision is to post it, because the video is so easily accessible on the link provided and elsewhere, because realistically, my contribution to its circulation is minimal, and most of all, because it is presented here in a context that is very different from that of the original sites, like Gawker, that initially commented on it. This is presented as an example of unethical web-shaming, with the message that the treatment of the wife that it represents is unethical, unconscionable, and cruel. I do not believe there is sufficient basis for considering the issue without viewing the video itself. If this additional circulation adds to Whitney’s pain, I am genuinely sorry. My hope is that I can make some progress is stemming what I consider to be a dangerous social trend of using the internet as a weapon of revenge and gratuitous meanness.
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Source: New York Daily News
Ethics Alarms 
As bad as the unethical posting is, it is worse so, for lack of context. We know nothing about the context in which Jim’s wife went off. Do they have children, and she has been home with them all week and this was the first free time she had? I mean, what set her off. There is nothing in the video to explain that, and it could well be that Jim made a promise that he had no intention of keeping. All of this is, of course, speculation on my part. But Jim’s failure to include the entire episode makes his discloure doubly unethical, in my opinion.
To be honest, I believe that she’s exactly as she’s portrayed. He knew he would get that reaction from her which is why he filmed it. I know someone who behaves similiarly when she doesn’t get what she wants and it’s rather embarassing to watch a full-grown woman have a public meltdown, especially when you’re with her.
However, I agree that it doesn’t excuse the invasion of privacy.
I am heartened to note that most of the comments on the original article featuring the video, while not excusing the wife’s behavior, castigate the husband for antagonizing someone who clearly has issues, and especially for recording and posting the video. Some commenters have pointed out that secretly recording it may in fact be illegal, depending on where they live.It would be in my state (Maryland).
That guy’s NASTY. It looks to me as if he’s been torturing her for a long time and he clearly enjoys it a great deal. I’d call what he’s doing emotional abuse. She should get out of that marriage post haste.
I have to disagree with folks here…
He sounds EXACTLY like a guy who has put up with this for a long time, and who has had his claims that his wife is prone to these sort of tantrums dismissed. “Oh, I am not like that… Stop making up stories to our friends…”
He sounds like a guy that has had enough, has placated and simply endured this sort of abuse for the last time, and has decided to get proof.
And I suspect few of you noticed (and I say this as someone with a couple under his belt) – the woman talked about how she couldn’t go get something done because of the interlock on her car…
Interlocks are those things that people have to blow into in order to start the car. The woman had at LEAST one DUI, and if I am not mistaken, she is telling us that she is frequently too drunk to go do errands because of the thing on her car.
Because otherwise, there is nothing about an interlock device that would stop you from, for example, getting your oil changed.
I’ve dated someone like this chick, who was prone to going nuts and then claim that she’d not done anything odd at all.
I have to support this guy completely.
Oh. I see. The wife is an alcoholic. Well THAT makers her fair game. She deserves it. Of course. What was I thinking?
“He sounds like a guy that has had enough, has placated and simply endured this sort of abuse for the last time, and has decided to get proof.”
OK, maybe. But getting proof to keep on hand for the next time someone denies how she behaves, and posting the proof on YouTube, are 2 different strategies. If he wanted to be able to whip out his smart phone and show the video to any and all who doubted him, that MIGHT be acceptable. Maybe. But to post it so that it goes viral and the whole world sees this woman in one of her bad moments — that’s just vicious and spiteful. No excuse.
I’m not saying that it’s right.
What I’m saying is that I understand, and am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I dated someone who, while not that extreme of a case, was like that.
And whenever we fought she would – it having been a long-distance relationship – show very select portions to her friends who would naturally agree that I was being mean and selfish and how could I be that way to her?
She would omit the dozens of lines of textually shouted insanity when she did this, of course.
I’ve been in something like that man’s shoes, and while I never outed exact behavior (usually just ignored or accepted the colder attitude from our mutual female friends), I have absolutely felt the burning desire to do so.
And I will not judge a man too harshly for opting to do so.
Clearly, the Internet has changed our lives — both for the better and the worse. “Once it’s out there, it’s out there forever.” Just. great. “A picture doesn’t lie” — nonsense now.
Morons and sadists like the husband depicted here are among those who should be shunned by society… “When they see this video, they’ll all understand…” But no, we don’t care to “understand” — we just want to see the ugly stuff as much as we want to see the cute puppies. There is no privacy. It is either heart-warming or exciting and ugly — and somehow the American people can’t find the difference.
Marital problems, spousal abuse, even murder, have existed for aeons. The ability to “post” such events is new, and we haven’t learned yet how to deal with it. Some “posts” reveal important information for readers and viewers — including malfeasance by our local, state, and federal governments — others are just mean and self-serving, meant only to hurt, demean, and embarrass others.
Since the laws of free speech extend to the Internet, it is up to us to clear the decks, as it were, and NOT watch this kind of hideous and cruel behavior. Suppose this guy got 200 “views” instead of 200,000? What if we who happened upon it wrote others and told them NOT to support this moron who is only out to hurt his wife? It seem to me that that we might in fact exert some modicum of control here — not by the government, but by Internet users themselves… let people know NOT to support cruel and hideous videos, and not check in… I’m sure it wouldn’t work, because people seem to love this kind of horrible crap, and “warnings” might only up the numbers for the guy. Maybe a website: “WHAT NOT TO WATCH? DON’T SUPPORT THESE CREEPS?”
Actually, with a good lawyer and some context, I think she could go after him for abuse, and should do so.
I didn’t know what the heck she was talking about, so thanks for the explanation.
I agree with John that it’s hard to interpret this video without any real context. My first question would be…why did she get in the vehicle with him? Were they originally going to the lake but then all of the sudden he decided to get his tires rotated? He was obviously planning on leaving her which leads me to believe that possibly he set her up so that she would have an epic meltdown which he could video. From what I heard in the video, he asks her how they can afford to go to the lake. She SCREAMS that she has tried to do a budget with him but he will not sit down and do it with her. He said that the budget is basically her telling him what he can’t have. Seems that he might be throwing that budget in her face and telling her that she can’t go to the lake because she thinks he may be spending too much. He remarks “all this for a pack of cigarettes”. Does he frequently misstate and minimize the reason she is upset? Does he usually laugh and make snide comments while she is hysterical? How did she become hysterical in the first place? Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see what led up to this but I have a feeling that she THOUGHT they were going to the lake. A person with “crazymaking behavior” can make a relatively normal person look like the crazy person while the actual crazy person just sits there calmly looking very sane.
I really don’t know what to think about this video but in my opinion, what he did is worse than her meltdown. He didn’t seem too bothered by her behavior and if it does bother him…then he just needs to leave her. Why would he upload a video?
I caught her saying something about the interlock also. She said that she couldn’t get her oil changed but she has been asking people (to help?) and that is why everyone talks badly about him at her office? I don’t know if she is drunk during the day because it seems that she has a job.
Some weird dynamics going on here…
To me, this video feels a little staged.
If it is not, they both have issues.
I hope they didn’t manage to breed before they ended their unholy union.
Only in a totalitarian society would the freedom to reproduce be limited, but I agree, some people should simply not pass their genetic limitations on to future generations. The genetic superiority of “humanoids” is moving downward, not upward. It is a fact that the reproductive percentage of healthy and educated people is moving DOWN at an alarming percentage, while the reproductive rates of poor, unhealthy, uneducated people is moving UP at a similarly alarming percentage.
Years ago my (now) husband and I created a new “super hero” called “Eugenics Man,” who would stop morons from reproducing and in so doing so help the human race survive. It was a hoot at the time, but not so funny now…
Elizabeth: i like the idea of Eugenics Man! He can swoop into a couple’s love den and ask a simple, culturally neutral question the answer to which is a prerequisite for any procreation. He would ask the couple, “Would you leave a dog in a car, parked at a grocery store parking lot in the blazing hot summer sun of Houston, Texas, at 2:00 pm, with the window cracked open while you shopped?” If the answer is anything but an unequivocal, “HELL NO!”, then immediate, irreversible sterilization would be mandatory. I figure that if someone is dumb enough to do that, then they should forfeit the right to dilute the gene pool!
John:
Thanks. For years I thought that ‘Eugenics Man” was simply a funny (if elitist) and whimsical idea we had… Now, not so sure. Your basic question would say everything about the attitudes/ethics of the couple in question… Where is the philosopher/king when we need him?
Grace
I call such an entity “Captain Darwin”…
Some weird dynamics going on here…
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I think that is what made me wonder if it was an act.
Weird dynamics is the perfect description.
Yes, she is nutty but he seems to be egging her on, or teasing/tormenting her to make her flip out more.
A lot of marriages today, in this age group, fall apart because both spouses are too immature.
These two certainly don’t seem ready to be married.
I agree. The whole thing could be staged. But if it’s not staged, then one could certainly get a feeling that it is staged because the husband seems to be manipulating the wife…which would mean he is actually acting.
If she is acting, she deserves an Academy Award.
Classic male abuser.My heart aches for her.God help his next victim.
I second that motion.
I’m sure we’re all horrified by the atrocious behavior of them both…Thing is, we don’t know a thing about them. Seems like a control-by-manipulation war; this hardly looked like the first skirmish, and peace negotiations may have commenced immediately. For all we know they were going at it like crazed weasels as soon as the video ended. Maybe next weekend they’ll play ‘babysitter/naughty boy’ instead of responsible ‘daddy/tantrum girl’.
*No one was harmed in the filming of this video* (The viewing…different story.)
As we baseball stat-heads like to say: Small sample size.
He knew they were being taped. He uses that smarmy, ultra logical way of talking to an upset person that drives them right over the edge. This act has been played out many times, over and over, and this husband and wife have it down, letter perfect. He has a tone of satisfaction with the way the scene develops that puts the lie toany idea that it’s all her craziness.
She sounds pathetic and frustrated. He sounds sadistic and satisfied. Their dynamic is sick, sick sick.
This doesn’t feel like a fake to me. I feel bad for the woman. She obviously has emotional problems or, at the very least, a total inability to handle frustration. Where that frustration comes from, who can say. I was taught to try to have some sympathy for people with these kind of problems. Granted, I don’t always succeed, but what I don’t do is poke at them and irritate them until they completely go off the rails. I don’t do this because my parents would jointly rise from the grave to whip my butt if I did and, incidently, because its creepy and cruel. Sure she’s nuts, but he’s far worse.
I think he’s aware of the recording, but she isn’t. Clearly this is not abnormal behavior on either person’s part. They seem to be walking in deep ruts they have carved into the relationship. You get the behavior you allow, or encourage.
They both need to grow up. It’s very unpleasant.
right….when he goes off on a rampage….”he’s an abuser.”
when she goes off on a rampage….”he’s an abuser.”
some things never change.
Isn’t it just. A guy who could potentially be a victim of pscological and mental abuse at the hands of this woman is called an abuser himself. A sadist.
Isn’t it interesting that so many assume the man is at fault.
I don’t know if he is at fault in general (we don’t know what their general situation is, but it seems clear to me at the very least that they are one of those couples that bring out the very worst in each other), but he is at fault in this episode for provoking her when she is already out of control, egging her on and exacerbating the situation, and then recording and posting the results. She is at fault for her uncontrolled and over-the-top reaction to him as well. Again, they seem to bring out the very worst in each other. It will probably be a blessing for both of them to get divorced.
I don’t wanna play the gender card – and I will probably get it from both sides by writing this – but male meltdowns often seem more terrifying then female meltdowns – or immediately more threatening for the receiving end. Louder, darker voice plus body size plus more muscle mass unfortunately results in being more intimidating.
I think she’s got serious issues (the cigarettes could also mean she’s in great need of some nicotine at that moment) but the husband seems like he enjoys triggering them – and in this case for the sole purpose of taping it. I can only say: Wow! Can you get any nastier?
Just imagine another scenario for a moment: what if, later on, doctors find a brain tumor that is affecting her behaviour? Will the ex-husband go: Ooops, my bad. Sorry, I showed your meltdown to the world.
That said – she was kind of scary…
What is more alarming than that this occurred is that the video has gone viral. I saw it yesterday on either Huffington Post (hereafter referred to as HufPuffPost) or Yahoo News (hereafter not referred to at all). This morning, my wife informed me she had seen it on Glen Beck’s :Blaze”. What are we becoming that this womens embarrassment would become entertainment for the nation?
You really shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to…
I don’t think we know enough about the situation to make an informed conclusion about who is really “wrong” here.
BUT if he really has been a victim of verbal abuse (or more) by his wife then I will saythat as a society we do a very poor job at being supportive of males who are victims of abuse. Too often they are just told to “man up” or “deal with it”. So it shouldn’t be surprising that a man would respond to such abuse with tactics that we do not view as being “perfect”, ideal or even satisfactory.
From the last comment he does sound like a guy who is tired of being the bad guy among all their family and friends and this could very well be the straw that broke the camels back and he felt the need for some vindication. Of course, often those actions tend to backfire and it seems that this one has.
Sure we do. Posting an embarrassing video of someone engaged in private, legal conduct who didn’t know they were being recorded is always wrong.
I can’t stop crying for this woman. She is hostage in her marriage and was driven to insanity and noone can see past her tantrum to what was really going on. This was not about the lake. So sorry