I was pondering whether to post about another entry at “The Ethicist” which may have been prompted by the weirdest question Prof Appiah has chosen to answer yet. I would have been tempted to answer it, “Yikes! This isn’t a question for an ethicist, it’s a question for a psychiatrist!” but in light of the lively discussion about marriage as an institution flagged by the previous post, maybe the commentariate will have a more constructive response. “The Ethicist’s” typically prolix answer is here.
The question from Name Withheld, a horny post-menopausal wife, headlined, “I’m Happily Married. I Just Want to Sleep With Another Man Before I Die”:
I am a healthy, physically fit woman in my late 50s, married for more than two decades. My marriage remains fun, engaging, compassionate and passionate; we still have a very active sex life. Our children are grown and thriving. While my husband has been unfaithful a few times over the years (many years ago now), I chose forgiveness and relationship work. I have, however, developed a menopausal sex drive that has increased rather than withered — and a rather deep desire to experience sex with one other man before I die or get too old.
This man would have to be someone I don’t know and will never see again. I have researched a plan as follows: 1) Fly to a major coastal city; 2) Hire an escort from a reputable service and have sex with him in a nice hotel; 3) Fly home and get an S.T.I. screen (although I’d obviously have practiced safe sex). I have never been unfaithful to my husband. In fact, I had sex with only two other men before I met him. This desire is definitely not the result of latent hostility for his long-ago indiscretions (I’ve thought it through for several years now), and, according to my husband, I do have two opportunities to even the score with impunity. Nevertheless, I don’t want him to know because I don’t want to hurt him, and it would. I travel frequently, so this trip wouldn’t raise an eyebrow. To be clear, I’m not interested in an open marriage, polyamory or anything along those lines, nor would I use a dating or ‘‘hookup’’ app. Escorts from services whose prices are in the $1,500 range are well vetted, and I don’t feel I’d be sexually exploiting a 35-year-old, willing, well-paid man. What do you think?
Ethics Alarms 
“Nevertheless, I don’t want him to know because I don’t want to hurt him,. . .” but my desires should absolve me of any guilt should he find out and feel hurt.
These questions are asked when the questioner wants validation for the choice she/he wants to make. In this case, she has planned how she will mitigate harm to herself and not to her partner.
Isn’t she also trying to use the I’ve earned this because I forgave him years ago?
“Escorts from services whose prices are in the $1,500 range are well vetted, and I don’t feel I’d be sexually exploiting a 35-year-old, willing, well-paid man.” Is he well paid if she is a cross between Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg? (Snark)
How low must be the pay before she is exploiting the man? This reminds me of the joke about Winston Churchill’s query to a young ingénue if she would sleep with him for a million dollars where the punchline is just haggling over the price.
Hah! Well, sure, I’ve wanted to have sex with lots of women I see over the last fifty years we’ve been married, but as she’s advised me repeatedly, and just the other day, come to think of it, Mrs. OB would kill me. And trust me, she’d know.
I told my wife that if I broke the seventh Commandment (“thou shalt not commit adultery”), she was permitted to break the sixth (“thou shalt not kill”).
Asking for permission, or seeking justification, is not Mrs. OB’s forte, Joel.
When we got married lo those 28 years ago, my wife, in response to her idiot friend’s comment that she owns half of what I own, she said, “Divorce? I don’t believe in divorce; I do, however, believe in justifiable homicide.”
jvb
Ouch! A fellow lawyer, eh?
In a good marriage, one doesn’t do things that would hurt the other person if it became known.
It will become known because that’s just how these things happen.
I’ve experienced menopausal cravings, too, but I’ve got the wisdom to know that Chunky Monkey ice cream and crunchy chocolate chip cookies are bad for me so I stay away from them.
Most days.
That’s an urban myth, especially if you mix a tablespoon of malt powder with the ice cream before you eat it.
…and whipped cream…and walnuts…
goes off to the refrigerator…
Right, AM. In any good relationship, one person doesn’t do anything to hurt the other person. Isn’t it amazing how many people evidently don’t get something that foundational?
This ties in nicely to the question Humble Talent cited from the Guild Wars granny: How can you trust a marriage partner who’s not a virgin? It seems to me that neither this woman nor her husband ever valued sexual fidelity that much, which is why this is a big temptation for her. One reason to stay chaste before marriage is to make it easier to channel all your sexual energy to your spouse. This isn’t always easy, but it IS simple. Anything that tempts you to deviate from a chaste course, or at least afaithful course going forward, you take off the table. Don’t entertain it, don’t rationalize it, just swat it aside and focus your mind on other pursuits. Many of modern society’s problems stem from failing to do this.
Cue one of Jack’s rationalizations: The heart wants what the heart wants.
If he was adulterous in the past and she desires to be adulterous soom, then by defintion they do not have a good marriage. At best they are tolerating each other for benefits unrelated to a true marriage. A true marriage is a monagamous, faithful, partnership of a man and a woman. As such, it by its essence, excludes another from the conjugal acts.