My friend had dinner recently with his wife to celebrate their 38th anniversary at the hotel that hosted their wedding reception. The staff at the restaurant made a big deal over them, and they also gorged on a six-course meal.
At the end of the dinner, the waiter offered them a dessert, compliments, of the house. My freind said that at that point he and his wife felt like Mr. Creosote from Monty Python’ “The Meaning of Life,” so they declined. But, he asked, would it have been unethical to accept the gift without planning on consuming it there, and to ask for a box to take it home?
Your Ethics Alarms Ethics Quiz of the Day is…
Would it?
Both my friend and I agreed that it would be crass and thus unethical to accept a gift intended to put an exclamation point on a celebratory meal only to wrap it up in a doggie bag. My mother, as I told him, would have accepted the offer in a heartbeat and asked for a box to accompany the dessert without any qualms at all. My sister, the metaphorical apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree, quickly took our late mother’s point of view when I asked her just now: free food is free food.
What do you think?
Ethics Alarms 
On those occasions when my husband and I (often accompanied by our adult children) eat at a nice sit-down restaurant on a special occasion, the wait staff is usually very understanding when it comes time for dessert, as their appetizer and entree portions are usually quite generous. If we ordered “meal deals” which included dessert, or if I had scored a free dessert through the restaurant’s loyalty program, the wait staff will usually ask if we want to eat our dessert there or bring it home in a box, without us having to initiate the request for a box. This is especially the case with the local diner in our hometown, which is currently the best of the non-fast food restaurants in town. So the question of “do you accept a free dessert if you’d be taking it home to eat later?” rarely comes up in my family, because the restaurant has already made it clear that they don’t mind our finishing the special meal at home.Sincerely,Catherine McClarey
Ethically neutral. Have a conversation with the restaurant.
This. The restaurant is making an offer and the recipient of the blessing doesn’t want it to go to waste or waist and thus makes a counter-offer for accepting the blessing. The restaurant may then decline, but if they agree, it’s been an ethical negotiation.
Bingo
Jack: “it would be crass and thus unethical.”
You lost me at “thus.”
There is certainly no harm in asking. You are clarifying the conditions of the gift (to use legalese).
But, I see nothing wrong with saying, “we could not eat a dessert right now, even if we wanted to—“
“But, Sir, it’s wahfer thin.”
Sorry, lost my train of thought. “We could not eat a dessert right now, even if we wanted to, but would you mind if we took it with us to enjoy at home?” That seems polite.
Simply getting a to go box for it seems crass, but not out of ethical bounds. If they would have said we could take it home in the former scenario, why would it be unethical to presume to do it in the latter one?
Crass, but not necessarily (in contrast to your “thus”) unethical.
-Jut
Note that I tagged this with the “etiquette and manners” tag. Bad manners is a subset of civility, one of the sub-values of “respect.” Ask yourself: are bad manners ever ethical? Fuck no.
Jack: “Ask yourself: are bad manners ever ethical?
“Fuck no.”
thank you for that. It did clarify the issue; and it is a clarification I particularly appreciate.
Your response highlights a key difference between the “logical opposite” and the “real opposite.” I think I have to credit Kant for my ability to identify this distinction.
the “logical opposite” of “ethical” is “not ethical.” The logical opposite of unethical is. It ethical, but not unethical.
the “real opposite of “ethical” is “unethical.” The real opposite of unethical is ethical.
from the comments, including mine, some of us are talking about the “logical opposite,” which admits of the “ethically neutral” (I.e. neither ethical nor unethical), while you appear to be talking about “real opposites” (either ethical or unethical).
Brain Fart: this distinction may help to clarify the Marion Barry fallacy. Hmmm…maybe I need a Venn diagram for that problem.
Better call Harris!
mind you: this is less a comment about Ethics as it is one about Logic. But, I think you have to have the logic down if you are going to explain the ethics.
-Jut
Tremendous typo in second sentence: a six-coarse meal. Trying to figure out what such a meal would entail.
My answer: Gush over the offered dessert, tell them you’re deliriously stuffed to the gills, and politely ask if it would be okay and they wouldn’t be offended if they took the dessert home to enjoy tomorrow.
I think I would agree with this course of action.
Coarse? Clearly the meal included such things as millet, oats, quadro-triticale, etc.
Incredibly, I even checked to make sure of the right spelling of course and STILL typed it wrong.
Typos have a life of their own. They appear to be animate.
Did you mean “coarse” of action, DG?
<chuckle> That did cross my mind, actually. but I went down a different waterway.
It depends on exactly what dessert they would choose since some do not travel well.
I’m in a similar situation a few years ago, the restaurant offered to box it up for us without us asking.
Never leave free food behind.
“No flan left behind”…..
I can’t understand why anyone would want to eat a six-course meal. Last night I went out to an annual dinner and I had just the main course and sides and a desert and that was easily enough. If any extra food was offered I would not accept it as I see the going out to dinner at a restaurant is a treat to be enjoyed with friends, not something to be taken home and eaten alone.
Also last night the service was very slow. A friend was telling us how when living in South Africa, after a long time waiting, she phoned the restaurant and asked if they were busy, they said “No” so she replied “That’s a surprise because we’ve been waiting at table five for ninety minutes and our meals still haven’t arrived”. Last night we were discussing whether she should do so again when the meals started arriving. We decided that due to slow service and not the greatest food, we will choose a different restaurant next year.
Six TINY courses. Haute cuisine.
Wow, there can be a six courses of a meal even before dessert? So, a seven-course meal that’s not a hot dg and a six-pack? I never knew. No wonder I feel out of place here when the ethics question deals with money or life styles of the super elite.
The best, most expensive and most ridiculous meal I ever had was a 7 course meal served by the new 5 star chef at the Pentagon City Ritz Carlton. Each course had its own wine, with the dessert course accompanied by some weird once-in-a-millenium wine from grapes that had been infected with a rare fungus in 1930 that caused them to taste like nothing you ever imagined. The host paying the bill was trying to talk me into making a deal with his new luxury executive travel service. Finishing the leisurely repast took over three hours.
What were the serving sizes?
Moderate but not small.
I would have been tempted to ask for a small to-go box after each of the courses, and perhaps some to-go wine containers as well, but that might be considered unethical. Fortunately for all concerned, this was a business dinner with a potential client, so what appears to a lot of people to be a bribe is actually just a “normal” business practice and not unethical at all. Likewise, a tax deduction for the payee (sadly limited to 50% of the cost), is not unethical. Thank heavens for normalcy.
I think it is fine to tell the server that you couldn’t possibly eat another bite, but would love to be able to take the dessert home to enjoy later. The restaurant is offering it to you because they want you to have an excellent experience. They do not care if you experience it all in one go or save a little bit to enjoy at home later.
The waiter would like for you to accept it – you might mentally calculate its value when you are figuring the tip. Also, having the to-go box sitting on the table will keep you from lingering over a cup of coffee so he can close out your bill and possibly turn over the table for other diners. The restaurant wants you to enjoy your meal and want to come back. Maybe if you take a dessert home, someone else will see/taste it and want to dine there. Maybe you’ll post on social media about enjoying the dessert and remembering the great meal you had.
Did your friend tell the waiter why he was declining dessert? If he did, I’m surprised the waiter didn’t suggest preparing it to go.
I don’t think it would have violated a rule of etiquette, but those are sometimes weird and seemingly arbitrary, so I can’t say for sure. I am fairly certain it would not have been bad manners. To me, manners are about respecting others. There is nothing disrespectful about accepting their offer and requesting to save it for later.
(I would not turn down dessert in someone’s home and then ask to take it home with me. That would be crass. I was going to explain why I think they’re different, but this comment is too long already.)
Seems simple enough; you don’t treat someone’s hospitality like a take-out eatery…unless they INSIST you help dispose of leftovers.
[Aside: this post epitomizes the phenomenon of me never knowing which posts will attract the most commentary.]
We will argue about the most mundane things because we agree about the biggest things.