Guest post by JutGory

This time of year, Ethics Alarms has many posts about Christmas music.  Every year, it leads me back to the question: Did Alice Cooper write a Christmas song?

Mirroring the debate about whether “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie, or just a movie that takes place at Christmas time (some have credibly argued it is actually a Hanukah movie), is “No Man’s Land” by Alice Cooper a Christmas song, or just a song that is set at Christmas time?

“No Man’s Land”?

Yes, “No Man’s Land,” Track 4 from what is probably Alice Cooper’s most obscure album, “Dada,” the last of his “blackout albums,” released when he was stuck in the throes of severe alcohol and drug abuse.  “Dada” is to Alice Cooper what Music from “The Elder” is to KISS, except that “Dada” is not derided nearly as much as “The Elder,” and is considered by many to be a hidden gem in Alice Cooper’s catalog.

“No Man’s Land” takes place around Christmas.  Is that enough to make it a Christmas song?  “Baby’s It’s Cold Outside” is considered a Christmas song and Christmas is not mentioned even as it endorses patriarchal rape culture.  “Jingle Bells” is a Christmas (or Thanksgiving song) even though it does not mention Christmas, but perpetuates a culture of White Supremacy.

And, “No Man’s Land” is a love song.  As I thought about Christmas love songs, of course, and Mariah Carey’s 1994 song, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” came to mind.  As I contemplated the lyrics of that song (which I will quote as little as possible in order to avoid banishment from our esteemed host),  I became convinced that Mariah Carey stole the idea for “All I Want For Christmas Is You” from Alice Cooper’s “No Man’s Land”.  I am 29% positive of it.   You can judge for yourself.

By way of introduction, for those who do not want to seek out the audio on the internet, “No Man’s Land” does not have the typical feel of a Christmas song, either in form or in content.  There is not a lot of pausing between verses, as you find in “Little Drummer Boy,” “White Christmas,” or practically any other Christmas song.  Many of the stanzas are a single sentence that are spat out without taking a breath.  This is no “Silent Night.”  The stanzas are often structured like a normal song, but the rhythm and word arrangement often uneven and offbeat as one stumbles through the story.

So, yes, “No Man’s Land” is a Christmas Love Song, the Christmas Love Song that only Alice Cooper could write!  Here it is:

I got a job in Atlanta
in a mall playing Santa
Not because of any talent
But because I was the only one the suit would fit.

Observations:

1. “Rhyming” AtlaNTa, SaNTa and taleNT is an interesting start.  I do not know if there is a musical term for repetition of a similar sound like this, but it is part of even feel you get throughout the song.
2. It is humorous: he got the job as a fat man because he was the only one who could fit in the suit.  (Alice Cooper can write some funny lines.)
3. Foreshadowing: the protagonist, Sonny, is introduced getting a job to pretend to be someone else.

We continue:

Everybody’s shopping,
Little sticky kids were hopping
On my lap with their fingers in my beard
I guess they thought that I was really it.

Observations:

1. The rhyming is off in the 3^rd verse creating an uneven feel, but the 4^th verse matches the 4^th verse of the previous stanza, linking the two stanzas together.

We continue (with the entrance of Mariah Carey):

She sat down on my lap and said to me
“I’m twenty three and I need someone

You look like someone who could play with me
Stay with me, all day with me”

Observations:

1. Just a couple of lines to move the story forward;
2. It’s unclear if he is trying to rhyme “me” with “twenty-three” in the middle of the verse, a trick he pulls off later on below.
3. It is not completely unstructured, with “play with me,” “stay with me” and “all day with me” that give rhythm to the rhyme.

We continue (with the Chorus):

‘Cause I’m in “No Man’s Land”
Can’t seem to find a real man
You know I’m lookin’ for a steel man
She said I’m in “No Man’s Land”

Observations:

1. And, there we have the beginning of the meaning of the title: she’s looking for love at Christmas and can’t find a man.
2. Standard lyrical structure.  A bit unremarkable, but have you heard “Wonderful Christmastime” by Sir Paul?

We continue:

I’m gonna show you a real good time
I’d gladly pay you double overtime

She was beggin’ to be mine
But my job was on the line
Should I say or should I go?
Oh, I just didn’t know

Observations:

1. A few rhyming couplets to move the story along (but rhyming “time” and “overtime” feels like a bit of a cheat.)
2. The pace of the song is more relaxed and measured

We continue:

I left fifty kids standin’ in line
They were whining, they were crying
And their mothers they were screaming in hysterics
And I swear I never heard such profanity

Observations:

1. The return to a frantic pace (try saying this 5 times fast)

2. No rhyme or reason to the structure: just chaos

We continue:

I dropped my suit on the floor
They were trying to block the door
They were calling her a whore
They were driven to nativital insanity

Observations:

1. “they were driven to nativital insanity.”  That line makes the entire song worthwhile.  For a song written in 1983, this line captures, in many ways, what Christmas would become in a consumer society.  I am 34% sure that “Jingle All the Way,” starring Sinbad and the Governator, was inspired by “No Man’s Land”.
2. Name me one other Christmas song that rhymes “profanity” and “insanity,” as this stanza gets linked to the previous one;
3. Do I need to point out that it is unethical to walk off the job, even for love?

We drove away in her Mercedes Benz
Dirty blond split ends in the breeze
She said “I want to put you under my tree
You’re just a little gift from me to me;

Because all I want for Christmas is you!” 

Observations:

1. Okay, that last line was not in the song, but I am 44% sure it was inspired by this stanza.
2. Rhyming “Mercedes Benz” with “blond split ends” is one of the many atypical rhymes in the song and the fact that the rhyme comes in the middle of the verse is another lyrical stumble through the story.

‘Cause I’m in “No Man’s Land”
Can’t seem to find a real man
You know I’m lookin’ for a steel man
She said I’m in “No Man’s Land”
You know I’m ready for a real good time
I’d gladly pay you double overtime

She had money all her life
She wasn’t lookin’ to become my wife
She said “I hope you understand
I just want a nightful of man, Sonny”

(Obligatory Musical Interlude)

She didn’t notice I was thin with a delicate chin
Nor the softness of my skin, nor the scent of my other personalities
She didn’t see through my disguise, didn’t see it in my eyes
She was in for a surprise when she discovered my emotional plurality

Observations:

1. This stanza feels like two, as he quickly rhymes thin, chin and skin, then disguise, eyes, and surprise, with the 2^nd and 4^th verses tying it together.
2. We begin to see what was foreshadowed in the first stanza.

We continue:

She said “Come and lay down on the floor with me
It’s warmer here by the fire”
She didn’t know that there was more of me
She’d have to learn to love all four of me

Observations:

1. It’s a Multiple Personality Christmas Love Song! And is, likely, the only one there is.
2. Here, again, the rhyming is unusual.  He is not rhyming the last word of the verses, “me.”  He is rhyming words in the middle of the verse “floor,” “more,” and “four.”

And we e continue with the final chorus…

‘Cause I’m in “No Man’s Land”
I’m lookin’ for the real me
If only I could feel me

You know I’m in “No Man’s Land”
Sometimes I gotta play me
It’s really hard to stay me
Hey, I’m in “No Man’s Land”
I’m looking for the real me
If only I could feel me
You know, I’m in “No Man’s Land”
Sometimes I gotta play me
It’s really hard to stay me
Oh, I’m in “No Man’s Land”
I’m looking for the real me
If only I could feel me

No, no, no, I’m in “No Man’s Land”

Observation:

1. And, with the twist at the end of the story, we find that Sonny is also in “No Man’s Land”, because he has trouble finding his personality, maintaining his personality, and pretending to be who he really is
2. He and Mariah Carey were made for each other.

There you have it.

Merry Christmas to Jack

&

The four other commenters here at Ethics Alarms!