I am now in shock, having just learned that a dear friend of four decades is now in a hospice with complications of congestive heart failure, and not long to live. We had been exchanging cheery emails, and while I knew of his health issues, I was under the impression that they were manageable, and certainly not this dire. Naturally, we had kept planning on getting together for dinner or a ball game, but one thing or another always intervened, usually on my end, and I had not seen him since the Spring.
This has happened to me before, more than once. What will it take to make me take the time to show love and appreciation to the many people in my life who have earned it, and to try to enrich their days, however many they have left, in some small way, rather than allowing everything else to get in the way?
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Graphic: Ronnie Tabor
Ethics Alarms 
I feel that way, too, with the death of Tom Clancy in weeks past. We had been in touch, but I’d lost touch with him over the past couple of years.
The regret I feel is hard to describe.
A lot of people in this position decide that they don’t want to burden others with their problems and withdraw. Then, when the crisis comes, it takes their friends by surprise and has them feeling guilty. I guess there’s no good way of handling these things.
Just went through that with a friend of mine. Even though he had his long-term health problems, I didn’t see him as much as I could’ve near the end. We always acted like there would be more time, and then one day there wasn’t… It sucks. I feel your pain.
When my father’s CHF reached the end stage I emailed his friends and the co-workers he still kept in touch with.
I told them the facts (his time was running out) and also that he was staying in his home, we had hospice coming in and either my stepmother or one of us kids would be there at all times.
“Please stop by, even if it’s only for a few minutes, it would mean a lot to him”.
That’s what I wrote but what I honestly felt like writing was, “please, please get over here, he is dying, don’t let him die thinking you don’t care or have forgotten him”.
Well, they chose instead to cry at his funeral.
That was nine years ago and it still pisses me off.
Jack, I am sad for your pain (and for your friend’s). Time takes itself from us, and not on our terms, no matter how we manage to take it. I hope and pray for your serenity, for you to have time to visit your friend, and for peace and minimal discomfort for your friend.
Welcome to the party of Regrets..
You might find this appropriate. http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/10/13/7-shortcuts-you-will-regret-taking-in-life/
I rank regret at least in the top 5, if not the top 3 worst feelings. Our thoughts and prayers are with your friend.
Well I had a friend who I had kind of lost touch with but decided to contact him and found out thru his girlfriend that he had developed Alzheimer’s. I made the decision to personally visit him in a nursing rehab facility and then later in a nursing home where it was obvious that he was terminal. He was close by so it was relatively easy. I hope I made some kind of a difference during his last weeks.
I’m so sorry, Jack. I hope your friend finds comfort in these hard days.
For what it’s worth, I believe that someone like you – someone who has “many people” in your life who have earned love and appreciation – has done something to earn having all those folks in your life. You are giving much of value to all those people, even if you’re not consciously aware of it.
That’s very kind, Barry. What I have a problem coping with is that friendships carry obligations, and we, or at least I, take may of them for granted when I should recognize that a friend whom I am neglecting—in his or her view, not mine necessarily—may have very different, legitimate, expectations and needs.
More than once in my life I have listened as someone described me as their best friend whom I really regarded as a casual acquaintance. The shock: 1) What a lousy best friend I must be to this person, and 2) how desperately they must need friends if I really am the best they have.
I know…you can’t do everything and be kind and giving to everyone, and none of us are responsible for anyone’s isolation and loneliness but our own. Still, in the naive, perhaps, belief that all problems have a solution…somewhere…I have to think there’s a better way.
It’s called being human and being busy, as I imagine you are, all of the time. The good part is that you can still visit him and let him know how much you care before the time comes when you won’t be able to do that.
Sure. But “busy” is also a rationalization that means “I prioritized, and you didn’t make the list.” I’m busy as hell, but I’ve watched a lot of Netflix and baseball games this summer…
My grandfather back in Taiwan had several visits back and forth from the hospital throughout the first half of the year, and I was never even able to talk with him during that time. I figured I’d find time in the summer, but I ended up going to his funeral instead. If it means anything, I think the fact that you were keeping in contact with him the whole time reflects well on you, and I hope you two get all the time you need and more.