Thanks to the internet, every day conflicts between ordinary citizens become opportunities for society-wide ethical evaluation . This can be extremely beneficial, helping to reveal disagreements regarding ethical conduct in common situations, and establishing social norms with efficiency that once would have been impossible. Of course, that requires that society reaches a reasonable consensus.
Last week a controversy emanating from a Portland, Maine diner called Marcy’s had blogs bloviating, pundits punditting and social media boiling over. Vacationing parents took their toddler to a crowded diner for breakfast, waited 30 minutes for a table and another 40 minutes for their food. The hungry child went on a crying jag that went on too long for the owner, who suggested that the couple to leave in a less than polite manner, and finally shouted at the little girl to “shut the hell up!” The couple left the diner.
The mother, Tara Carson, couldn’t resist registering her indignation on the Marcy’s Facebook page, the owner responded with even more colorful language than she did in the original confrontation, and social media appeared to divide into the “it takes a village so be sympathetic to parents of young kids and give them a break” camp and the “serves these entitled and incompetent parents right for being so inconsiderate and not controlling their child” camp, with the latter considerably smaller than the former. Then, not content to let the matter blow over, Carson got the Washington Post to publish her op-ed about the episode, which concluded,
I want to raise my daughter to be good on airplanes and in restaurants and other public places. She is a normal toddler who is funny and curious and well-behaved. Is she perfect? No. Am I a perfect parent? Certainly not. But I do know that these things happen. Babies cry and sometimes moms make the call between a tantrum in the loud diner or going out into the rain. As parents, we sometimes rely on the kindness and empathy of strangers, who know we’re doing the best we can. It’s compassion I try to model for my daughter. I wish others would do the same.
This reminds me of a hypothetical scenario I used to think about in the days when hitch-hiking was popular, and there were simultaneous warnings in the media about the dangerous people hitch-hiking and the dangerous people who picked up hitch-hikers. What happens, I wondered, when a murderous predator driver picks up a homicidal maniac hitch-hiker?
Should be fun! And the great part is, I wouldn’t feel bad about the outcome no matter what happened.
I look at this story a little bit like that. 75 people were in the diner trying to enjoy their breakfast, and these parents decided to force them to put up with their crying child. Wrong. The second the baby erupted and wouldn’t calm down, they were obligated to leave, or take her outside. It was apparently raining. Too bad. That’s their problem, not one they have a right to inflict on everyone else.
The owner, proud battleaxe Darla Neugebauer, properly assessed her duty to the other patrons in her establishment as greater than her duty to tolerate the inconsiderate parents’ decision to let their child to howl away. Sure, she could have been nice, tried to help calm the girl, made funny faces and put on a puppet show for her. There was no obligation to do so.
That doesn’t excuse her gratuitous rudeness, however. Here’s Marcy’s owner on the diner’s Facebook page:
“Wow! Who knew calling out shitty parenting made you a bully? Whatever. ….
For the record! I’m a foul-mouthed bitch with a short fuse! Sarcastic, blunt, brutally honest & real. My boy Jesse’s mother called this morning…she said “Darla, I can’t believe you didn’t yell “shut the f*#@ up” See, everyone knows that’s my favorite word. Always has been. …Lava soup didn’t even make me stop saying it!. But the fact is MY DINER….MY RULES The only thing I am sorry for is that child has to grow up with such terrible parents I have a lot of great kids that eat here…..sometimes they do have a bad day & mom or dad takes them outside no one enjoys dinning with screaming of any kind…..and after 40 min of her, 2 minutes of me..peace was restored! As far as I am concerned. ..Won & done!”
She’s a fick, in other words: a person who is openly unethical and proud of it. People who are uncivil, insulting and rude and who excuse it as being “brutally honest and real” might as well be farting, belching and stinking up public places by refusing to bathe. Her attitude is that the good food at her diner entitles her to behave like a barbarian. No, it doesn’t. Her behavior is unethical and uncivilized. Like Donald Trump, she is evoking the latest rationalization, Rationalization 41 A. Popeye’s Excuse, or “I am what I am.” This is the delusion that being openly and unapologetically unethical is a virtue. It’s not.
The parents and the diner’s owner deserved each other.
ASIDE: Slate’s Rebecca Schuman’s essay about this episode ticked me off in many ways, some tangential to the issues at hand. She refers to the episode as “Brunchghazi,” cutely taking the opportunity to bolster the false media, Clinton campaign and Obama Administration narrative that the murder of a U.S. ambassador (and other Americans) on foreign soil was just one of those nutty, random things that nobody’s accountable for, and the fact that then U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice lied repeatedly on TV so the matter wouldn’t blow up during before the 2012 election was nothing to get upset about. Nice: comparing massacred American to a crying toddler. But that’s Slate for you. She also presumes to tell the diner operator how long it should take to fill an order of pancakes when there are 75 patrons also seeking sustenance, criticism that she is not remotely qualified to offer.
I also object to her snide scorn over the debate over the incident on the web. The debate is healthy. Parents and restaurant owners are forewarned about a potential ethics challenge, and the discussion helps society set its standards. Schuman’s pay-off, however, has value:
“Here’s a revolutionary proposition: If you’re a parent and you get mistreated in an establishment, write a strongly worded private missive to that establishment, or have a terse private word with the proprietor. More often than not, you will get a profuse apology and a bunch of free stuff. If, on the other hand, you witness a misbehaving child, make a bon mot under your breath about crating that thing like a civilized person, and then go on with your damn day.”
________________
Pointer: Althouse
Facts: KTLA 5, Washington Post
Ethics Alarms 
“This is the delusion that being openly and apologetically unethical is a virtue.”
I assume you meant UN-apologetically?
Thanks. Will fix.
Or she could handle it the way the owner of Generous George Pizza in Alexandria did one night when a table complained about a baby crying at a nearby table., he told them “look around this place is for families, if you don’t like it leave” he then walked over, picked up the baby and walked around with her for a while feeding her from her bottle and calming her down while her parents enjoyed their pizza.
Generous George’s was great that way–it was also family city, with kids everywhere. I loved it. I miss it.
The BEST pizza in NOVA until they sold the place.
“Last week a controversy emanating from a small town Maine diner called Marcy’s had blogs bloviating, pundits punditting and social media boiling over.”
Um, correction. It was not a small town Maine diner. It was in Portland. That may be small town to you, but it’s the big city for those of us who live here.
Other ‘n that, I largely agree with the post. Both parties very much in the wrong here… though the money shot, as far as I’m concerned, was this from the owner: “The motto of this joint is ‘ask me how my muffin is.’ We’re really not a place that caters to families.”
Oh, all RIGHT, if you insist that Portland is a real city. I have a rule that if there are two cities with same name, only one gets city status, and the other is a “town.” I’ll fix it.
Haha, Marcy’s owner reminds me of ME when I was younger and exploded at someone over parking in a clearly restricted area of the parking lot, which interfered with my parking. Among other things I had, ah, a few choice words about his heritage and his homeland. I am single and childless and I have zero patience with parents (especially young parents) who think the world revolves around their precious snowflake. I get that kids get upset and cry, sometimes for no reason at all, but if you can’t quiet them down within a reasonable time, or aren’t willing to make the effort, then it’s time to leave the establishment so that everyone else’s eardrums can recover. To let the kid “cry it out” while 75 other people are trying to eat their breakfast is more than rude.
That said, I also have zero patience with rude servers or other restaurant people, and won’t hesitate to let them know about it. My parents and I went to breakfast one weekend when I was visiting them and for whatever reason mom’s toast arrived unbuttered. I mentioned this to the waitress, and she came back a minute later and almost threw a plastic tub of butter at my (now-departed, I’m sorry to say) mom. I almost exploded on the spot, but instead I finished my breakfast, then, on the way out, confronted that waitress and told her through my teeth that “you ever throw something at my mom again and I will break your fucking arm, got it? Yes better be the only thing you say or I’ll break it right now!” The waitress turned white as a sheet and kept well away from us as we walked out.
Would your mother have approved of you threatening to beat a woman at a time when you yourself was not in physical danger? In my state what you did was a class 3 felony twice over. You belong in prison.
Do you threaten to beat a lot of women by any chance?
Anyone who beats a woman by chance has an insanity defense…
Bwahahahaha!
Why don’t you get a warrant and come arrest me? And I’ve done much the same thing to thuggish union reps and bullying other lawyers, all male. Sometimes you have to talk to people in language they understand.
Would that I had that power. It would make me very happy to see you behind bars with other feckless thugs. Your behavior and complete lack of remorse show you unfit to be part of civilized society.
Is that language you understand?
Kiss my ass. Is that a language YOU understand?
Do the parents realize the child’s disposition? Any prior baseline to expect this behavior?
When our son was young it was impossible to take him places. Maturity and a pile of work on our part accomplished it. Many a time the social skills were developed in areas that were kid friendly. Slowly it worked and by age four were could go anywhere without having to disrupt others.
Forty minutes for breakfast? This place will never be on “Diners and Dives.” This is freaking breakfast! Seems like there is an issue besides the owners own childish behavior patterns.
It may have been unexpectedly busy.
Both parties are much too smug about their bad behavior.
In fact, everyone seems to be smug about their own bad behavior these days.
I’m getting seriously old. (and also too smug)
I especially liked her throwing in the 25% tip to show how sensitive and generous she was.
My husband and I didn’t enjoy a meal together in a restaurant (except McDonalds, which doesn’t count) until my youngest was 5. She couldn’t sit still so one of us was walking her outside while the other ate with our older child. And now that’s she’s 5, we still have to bribe her with coloring, video games, and french fries to get through the meal. Most of the time, we just didn’t go to restaurants at all.
I have no patience for this story because everyone is bad in it. One of the parents should have taken the kid to the car if she couldn’t be soothed. And the store owner should have been more gracious in asking them to leave.
Jack,
Her use of “Brunchghazi” wasn’t apart of any larger narrative. The joke was explained in the first line in which she spoke of the “differing accounts” the incident (there are also differing accounts of Benghazi). Why derail the article simply to make another digression about what you consider the media’s mis-coverage of the debacle (I’m not suggesting you’re the only one, I’m just trying to be fair to those who think differently)? Just because it’s Slate doesn’t mean the commentary is always loaded.
Stupid names for even stupider “what would you have done?” tirades online are commonplace in the Internet’s marketplace of ideas. “Deflate-gate? A cheating scandal being compared to breaches of power at the highest levels? Real cute, ESPN!” The same points could be made for referring to something as “draconian” (most things described as such wouldn’t quite qualify,” the use of Machiavellian, or any time someone makes a joke about “World War III.”
I know it seems like a small point, but increasingly more often you make random asides (which have little to do with the topic you’re discussing) just to continue ranting about something you’ve already devoted several articles too — donald trump (intentionally lower-cased) being the most recent example.
Best,
Neil
PS: Most people (myself included) don’t care that donald spoke against illegal immigration, it’s that he used the most intentionally crass, offensive language in doing so and, moreover, did so in such a way that he never actually said “illegal immigrants.” After all, if they’re immigrating illegally, then they’re not being “sent.” (even if you want to make the argument Mexico knows and doesn’t care, allowing something to happen and officially supporting it aren’t the same thing). It’s not the message, it’s the WORDS.
PPS: The Confederate Flag hanging in any public place or integrated into any state flag is an affront to the Constitution. It is a symbol of mutiny and though we have the freedom to support it personally, to allow any state to do so openly is tantamount to allowing states to openly advocate sedition.
[Please don’t feel the need to comment on any of the above, unless compelled to do so. The last two were points I’d wanted to make for some time, but there was never an apropos moment and had to unload them before I got a headache (see how much less gross that was to say?).]
Uh…wrote a reply, was almost finished, and lost the whole thing correcting “tantamount” in your post.
Short version:
1. I didn’t bring up Benghazi, she did, and yes, I’m sick of snide corrupt media mockery over legitimate concerns on this and the IRS scandal, which the news media would be covering hard in a GOP administration.
2. Trump was obviously talking about illegals; Mexico DOES send them to us by having such a poor and corrupt country and refusing to enforce their side of the border.
3. The use of the Confederate flag in official state symbols is in bad taste, and the US should have forbidden it as a condition of surrender. It’s still just speech, so it is Constitutional.
Jack,
It doesn’t matter that he was “obviously” talking about illegals, those aren’t the words he used. This would be like a public figure getting up and deriding “niggers” for destroying society and then stating “If you consider my words in context, it was clear I only used the term in the Chris Rock sense — to describe those in the African-American community who promote drugs and criminal lifestyles.” Maybe that’s true, but there were far more effective and far less offensive ways of making the same point.
What’s more, the word “sending” suggests an official action or policy, which simply isn’t the case. One could easily make the argument he was speaking about legal immigrants as well since they are, in fact “sent” to the U.S. Whatever he meant is secondary (and, at this remove, irrelevant) to what he may have meant — it’s a childish defense.
Finally, nothing in the tone of the comments suggested he was raising a point of discussion or policy to be debated and corrected, it was simply “this is how the world is and those people (whoever the enemy is in his mind) are too stupid to realize or fix it.” As you’ve pointed out numerous times, he’s a blow-hard. Why defend anything he says even if he’s 1/2 right?
Nothing he says can be trusted, since even his truth is mixed in with lies, deception, and a healthy portion of his own bullshit. donald trump making sense is just donald trump before he’s gotten to the part that doesn’t.
Best,
Neil
“secondary to what he actually said”
Not to change the subject, but, why don’t we eliminate the Democratic Party, which supported slavery, formed the Klu Klux Clan and voted against the emancipation of slaves. Democrats even had a Klan member in congress- how soon we forget.
Because the First Amendment doesn’t permit us to ban political parties? Because Party Platforms change and evolve? Because many former Klan members went on to dignified, productive and unbigoted careers in public service, like the great jurist Hugo Black?
And you did change the subject. Silly and useless comment: do better next time.
One aside to the ethics of this: If the diner is actively encouraging families and children, the diners are at their own peril (see also smoking and nonsmoking seating). Don’t be shocked there are loud kids at chuck and cheese, mcdonalds, or that diner that gets all the families after church on sunday.
If the diner allows, but doesn’t encourage children, then it’s on the adults to look out for the children. Going to the gastropub? Kids are OK, but c’mon, it’s for the adults.
Where have YOU been???
Kids in diapers cry for one of two reasons: They’re hungry or their diaper is wet or soiled. It’s not that hard. Kids out of diapers shouldn’t cry uncontrollably. When our kids acted up around the kitchen table or got too loud, we told them “pretend we’re at a restaurant.”
That is what I was thinking. My wife insisted often on taking our son with us to restaurants when he was an infant and toddler when her family went out to eat. They refused to go to places like McDonald’s. As a result, for a 3-4 year period of time, I got used to having my dinner packaged up to-go. It never failed that our son would soil his diapers right as the food arrived. I would then take him to the car, change him, and get him calmed down before re-entering the restaurant. By the time I got him fed and taken care of, it usually was time to go. I was thinking of this Friday when I spent the entire dinner in a nice restaurant less than a foot from an infant screaming his or her lungs out. I’m sure those parents have excuses like “this is a family place, you should expect children”. In reality, they are rude people who ignore their child. My son NEVER screamed for 45 minutes in a public place, I made sure of that by getting him out of everyone else’s space and by taking care of his needs.
Amen.
Jack. A favor. Can you change out the Mullahs in the Margins? They’re awful. Sure, it’s nice to show they’re having the time of their lives taking the President and his Secretary of State for a joyride, but man they’re annoying.
Seconded. They’re not literally laughing.
I prefer being reminded of their self-satisfaction, to Caitlyn Jenner.
If you take out the Mullahs please replace them with smug pictures of Obama and Kerry as they try to convince us the deal was anything but a disaster.
I really love pictures of sneaks with smug looks on their faces. I have some pictures of children’s faces as they realize they have fooled their parents if you need them.
The President tends to look censorious while his Secretary of State tends to look dumber than a box of rocks.
Isn’t this kinda like Godzilla vs Mothra?
Mothra, you think? Or Rodan?
You want non-stop pop culture references boys and girls? Step right up. We’got ’em!
Hey, what’s the monster movie sneeze? Kai-JU!
Tara Carson cited rainfall. The official rainfall total in Portland, ME that day was 0.1″ There are many photos online of the tall ships coming in that day too. Nowhere was there evidence of a downpour. So Tara should have exercised better judgment and escorted her daughter outside to walk around while the oversized pancakes were being made. Or John and his buddy could have done so. At any rate, I bet BOTH parents had mobile phones and one person could have stayed at the booth while someone else took their daughter outside until breakfast was served. Minimal disruption to the other patrons. Breakfast served and eaten.