No, this isn’t a gag. I wish it were.

As frequent visitors here know, my family is very fond of dogs, both ours and everyone elses. One disturbing reality of the dog-owning world is how many people acquire dogs who don’t really understand anything about them, or, in many cases, even like them. The degree to which this manifests itself ranges from outright dog abuse, which is incomprehensible to me; neglect, which is cruel and irresponsible even when it is the result of financial problems or stupidity to lack of compassion and respect. In this category are those who buy dogs as fashion statements or home accessories, seldom paying sufficient attention to them or giving them the affection they want and need. The group also includes the Dog Dictator, who only will tolerate a pet that  will do tricks, come, stay, and lie down on command, but that will never be allowed to act like a dog. [Full disclosure: Our current dog and our previous one represent Jack Russell Terriers, which are going to act like not only dogs but a terrifyingly wilful, witty and sometimes diabolical dogs no matter what you do.]

Most dogs shed. It you cannot endure dog hair and the job of cleaning it up as well as the responsibility of brushing or combing your dog, the solution is simple: get a not-shedding breed, or don’t have a dog. Acquiring a St. Bernard, a giant breed that will shed sufficiently to provide the raw material for a jumbo-size blanket, when one does not want to encounter dog hair is so stupid it boggles my not-so-easily-bogglable  mind. (Do you know the #1 reason why  giant breeds like Mastiffs, Saints, Newfies and Great Danes end up in rescue organization kennels? Their owners didn’t know they would get eat so much or get so big. Morons.)

Here’s the promotional language for the “Shed Defender”:

The patent pending Shed Defender is a onesie that contains the dogs hair within the suit to reduce the shedding, perfect for in the house, car, or anywhere you don’t want to leave a trail of hair! Helps Reduce Anxiety – the snug fit and gentle pressure gives the dog a calming effect Replace the Medical Cone – covers hot spots, post surgery, prevents scrathing and itching, protect and alleviate allergies and skin conditions
Help prevent ticks, protect from cold weather, prevent hair freezing in the snow, keep your dog clean and many more uses

Veterinarian approved and recommended – Made out of Eco-friendly fabric that is lightweight, four-way stretch and breathable, ensuring your dog stays cool and comfortable.

That description is diabolical. The thing is called the “Shed Defender,” which tells you immediately whose interests are at heart, and it’s not the dog’s. The rest of the text are rationalizations and false claims to make the purchaser feel better about an indefensible decision. Suure it’s  calming. Most doges make it very clear that they hate having garments, bandages and other material attached to their bodies. It would prevent scratching or biting on hot spots and healing wounds either—do you ever try to scratch and itch through your clothes? Who do these hucksters think they are fooling? Oh…right…dog owners who are clueless about dogs or who don’t really care about how comfortable their pets are as long as they aren’t messy or inconvenient.

And what the heck does “veterinarian recommended” mean? Where’s the endorsement from dog-breeders and the American Kennel Club? “Veterinarian recommended” probably means they found one vet down on his luck who agreed to endorse the thing for a C-note and a promise not to have his name used, so he wouldn’t have his office picketed.

Having old, matted hair and flaking skin locked onto a dog’s body by the equivalent of a wet suit isn’t natural, comfortable or healthy. No, dogs don’t get humiliated when they are forced to look ridiculous, or breeds like Poodles…

…Bichons…

and Pekineses…

..would be hurling themselves into traffic daily. They are subject to skin diseases, and other ailments that will be exacerbated by having to wear these things.

The AKC should get the names of people who order the “Shed Defender” and work with PETA, the ASPCA and  other groups to either have them banned from owning dogs, get them on an animal cruelty watch list, or seek legislation to make the “dog onesies” illegal. Or maybe people who put their dogs in these devices should be made to wear one of these state of the art Latex bondage suits.

I’m sure it’s calming.