This would normally be an item in a Warm-Up or the equivalent, but I haven’t had time for them lately, so I’m going to let the issue fly solo.
In “The Affair,” the protagonist’s best friend assesses the problems that have befallen him as the result of said affair, and offers him $50,000. The adulterous husband (his wife and the friend has been an inseparable threesome in college) protests, but the friend, who is rich and just became richer (he’s a hedge fund whiz), insists. He has the money, and he won’t miss it, and what are friends for?
A couple years later, the protagonist, who has a best selling second novel and is suddenly rolling in money, fame and opportunities, has an argument with his old friend and benefactor at a party. The freind, insulted at his treatment, says, “You seem to forget you that I gave you $50,000!” He adds, “And you never paid me back!” The author protests, “That was a gift!” His friend responds, “Yeah, well you have the money to pay me back now!”
Thoughts:
- People with money using their gifts and financial support of those without such resources to manipulate them is a regular theme in “The Affair.”
- Comedian Jackie Gleason once said that he hated to accept large amounts of money from any benefactor or employer. “They get you hooked on the life you have with that money, and then they own you, or think they do.”
- Is it ever ethical or justified to bring up a past favor, gift or rescue to the beneficiary as something that demands a quid pro quo later, when there were no conditions attached or stated initially?
- Is someone to whom you gave a large, unconditional gift when they were in financial need ethically obligated to pay it back—or at east offer to— when they have more than sufficient funds?
- Does the obligation change if you need it back? If you demand it back? If you ask for it back?
Ethics Alarms 
Legally, no. Morally, if they helped you out of a tight spot and you can easily repay that in the future you should. From the description, this isn’t a birthday gift or a wedding present, this is a ‘gift’ because the person has a moderate to serious need of the money. The giver wouldn’t have given the money if the need wasn’t there, and probably would have termed it a loan except they didn’t know if you ever would be able to pay it back. Because of this, as a friend, you should return the money if you are able.
I loaned ‘moderate’ amounts of money (at the time) to several friends years ago. Two of them did not pay me back. One I wondered if they would pay me back, the other surprised me. I never demanded the money back, I just considered it a cheap lesson on who they were and where I stood with them.
I’m reminded of The Godfather in which Don Corleone would grant a favor and, sometimes explicitly and sometimes not, tell the recipient that he may ask a favor in the future. For example, the undertaker needed some help with some personal affair, and the Don accommodated him. Later he needed the undertaker to attend to Sonny’s body. So, to grant a favor and expect that some reciprocation may be asked at some unspecified time in the future seems reasonable and ethical to me. This is not the same as expecting repayment of money out of the blue absent some explicit agreement of terms, which seems unreasonable and unethical to me. Lent money is spent money to me; it’s gone.
Agreed, but the Don always prefaced his favors with the condition that the recipient might/would be called upon to return the favor at some later date.
As an aside, I have always been fascinated by the love affair “The Godfather” inspires for the Corleone Family, murderous, villainous, drug dealing criminals they were.
jvb
Americans always love a good story about skirting the law. I think it appeals to our general love of the “underdog” and people on the outside of mainstream society figuring out how to “get ahead”. In this case coupled with the cynical attitude that in a corrupt system, no one gets ahead without breaking rules – a “wild success” story like the Corleone’s who don’t just break the rules – but *extravagantly* break the rules and succeed is appealing.
Plus, deep in our western mind, we still like stories about the Feudal Age – when lords and vassals were tied by bonds of honor they were born into – not of their choosing.
And I can’t think of a better story that brings the feudal mindset into the modern age than that of an organized crime family.
There in lies the question – what exactly is a “favor”. It isn’t a gift. Otherwise, we’d call it a gift. If there is, no matter what, an understood, I’ll do this for you now, but you owe me, or please do this for me, I’ll get your back another time. Then it’s just an open ended contract.
And that’s fine if that’s what a “favor” is as long as everyone knows that’s what a favor is.
For me, any money given that is not explicitly a loan to be paid back at a predetermined time is considered a gift. I have loaned money and given money -never more than a few hundred dollars- to a number of friends over the years and most have insisted on repaying me even when I had not expected to get it back.
My dad used to say, “If you loan someone $50 and never see them again, it was a good investment.” For a real friend in difficult circumstances, the friendship is always worth more than the money.
If you can not afford to give it, then you can not afford to loan it.
Within the KISS adage, the answer is found. Gifts given are irretrievable. Loans made are subject to the terms of the contract,
“The freind, insulted at his treatment”
If the recipient of the charity is truly mistreating his donor…then he is indeed behaving unethically. He is, at a minimum, obligated to recognize who helped him get where he is and treat him appropriately – unless the donor’s own subsequent behavior has given him some other reason.
The initial donation was clearly made with no expectation of repayment – so then no overt obligation to pay it back. But, it does seem to me that it is ethical to pay people back when you can if you can. But it isn’t unethical not to if it was explicitly made as a gift. Which from your description, it sounds like it was.
On favor ethics:
How mad are you allowed to be when someone, doing a huge favor, says they will do such-and-such at a certain time and then don’t do it. This has happened before the would-be favor giver was extremely annoyed in response to the annoyance I communicated that they didn’t do what they said they’d do.
See, in this case, the promised favor, once promised, to me it becomes a commitment from which I planned other tasks to complete.
“Dude, you can’t be mad, I was going to do you a favor”
But yeah, and you not doing it now increases the chaos and stress I was going to have to endure if I had just done the thing myself…
I think you’re allowed to be disappointed, and communicate as much. I think what this should cost your friend is willingness to do favors for them in the future.
I have a friend who relies on me for a lot of things, from dogsitting to running errands. I don’t keep exact score for what he does for me in return (giving me fancy clothes and other stuff that he doesn’t need any more, paying for dinner, etc.)…except when I’m buying stuff for him. There has always the explicit understanding that he’s to pay back whatever I spend when grabbing groceries for him or pick up something he hasn’t paid for in advance. Sometimes he’s slow to pay me back. I don’t hassle him about it, but there are times where I’ve had to say, “No more chores until your bills are paid”, which always causes him to pay immediately.
Jack the answer to all your questions is a resounding NO! A gift is a gift, and a loan is a loan I have given friends gifts of jewelry and furniture worth multiple thousands of dollars. For various reasons, the friendship ended. The friends still have the gifts I gave them, and I hope they are still enjoying them. I also one time made a noninterest loan of $10,000 to a friend. I had him sign a promissory note indicating the terms of repayment. If you loan money to anyone you need to establish everyone’s expectations before the money changes hands. Once it changes hands people’s judgment and expectations could change causing problems for both parties.
You ask, “Does the obligation change if you need it back?” Again, the answer is no. If my circumstances result in me needing money. That is a separate issue, and I would hope my friends would come to my aid. If the people, I helped then maybe some of my other friends.
Regarding the situation, you relate from the Affair.
“You seem to forget you that I gave you $50,000!” He adds, “And you never paid me back!” The author protests, “That was a gift!” His friend responds, “Yeah, well you have the money to pay me back now!” The hedge fund manager is behaving highly unethically.