This quiz comes from the latest inquiry to “The Ethicist.” I disagree with much of Prof. Appiah’s answer, as I often have lately, but I do concede that the question is worthy of a serious ponder.
On their way out a restaurant, a family group was interrupted by a stranger who had also dined there. He said to the inquirer’s comely daughter-in-law, “With all due respect, you are very attractive.” The inquirer rebuked him saying, “That is wholly inappropriate, sir.” The inquiry continued,
“My cousin snapped at me that it was only a compliment. My sister got mad at me for upsetting my cousin. My daughter-in-law appreciated my reaction but said that she has had “way creepier men say way creepier things to her.” I responded to them all that a stranger has no business commenting on the looks of a person, good or bad, and that this man would never have said a word if any man had been standing with us. Who is right?”
Before I give you The Ethicist’s answer and mine,
Your Ethics Alarms Ethics Quiz of the Day is….
“Are spontaneous compliments on a stranger’s appearance per se unethical?”
This time I’m going to post the entire answer by Prof. Appiah:
In our society, it was once thought gallant for men to remark on the appearance of women they found attractive. That custom reflected sexist ideas about the relations between women and men. It presupposed, for example, that women should care about whether male strangers, in whom they have displayed no interest, found them attractive, and be pleased when they did.
There are obviously social contexts in which flirtation is generally considered appropriate — e.g., at a singles bar or a college “mixer,” to stick to the meat-space world. But in ordinary settings? It’s now widely understood that expressions of sexual interest are something you work up to only if the other party has given you reason to suppose that they might be appreciated. In such settings, invoking someone’s attractiveness, as an opening remark to a complete stranger, is discourteous and wrong.
The middle-aged fellow of your story evidently had some awareness of this. We typically say “with all due respect” in contexts where what we are saying would otherwise be presumed to be disrespectful. Your telling him off created a moment of embarrassment for him that might lead him to reflect on whether he ought to do this sort of thing again. If what you said embarrassed your cousin too, this may be because she still inhabits the world in which such remarks are considered a gift, not an imposition. And though your daughter-in-law responded gamely to the incident, she was setting a low bar with her reference to the “creepier things” she’d heard. The way to reduce such remarks is to make it clear when they’re unwelcome.
Here is my starting point: I have been in the company of women, including my late wife Grace (to whom this happened a lot), when strangers spontaneously said, “You are very beautiful.” or the equivalent. Without exception, every one of the women in my company felt good about the episode afterward. A kind word from an absolute stranger can make someone’s day, and if it happens to be a day in which they are feeling depressed or are overcome with self-loathing, such a moment can be a godsend.
So the generalization being pushed by the inquirer and The Ethicist is just wrong, I think. Sometimes the compliment will be welcome. Sometimes it might not be. Making the statement entails a risk. I believe that makes the spontaneous compliment more ethical rather than less. I confess that I have also, in the past, seen a woman (in one case, a young girl) who was breathtakingly beautiful and felt compelled to pay my respects. I have nver received a negative reaction, but then, I’m not creepy.
Well, not usually…
Of course, if the compliment is delivered with a leer, a wink and a slobber, that’s a different matter. Was the stranger’s mistake here that he said, “attractive” rather than “lovely” or “beautiful”? Maybe: this is one reason I think the Ethicist’s conclusion is unwarranted. There are offensive ways to deliver a compliment and benign ways. In the sexual harassment training sessions I do for companies with The Ethical Arts Players, one skit has two men saying the same thing in markedly different ways, one that is non-threatening and benign, and the other deliberately suggestive. They are, as a result, materially different.
Where I come out on this issue is that a spontaneous compliment is an act of kindness, and a culture that views an act of spontaneous kindness as presumptively offensive is discouraging a valuable societal balm. I believe that anyone performing such an act deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Ethics Alarms 
It certainly didn’t seem to be coming from a sexual place, and seemed to be purely offering a compliment, as you say. I agree with your analysis and will add that I think the sterilization of society that feminism is aiming toward will have very negative effects on people’s mental health in the long run.
Warning: for those of you with severe hypertension, red pill content below.
Why Men Don’t (And SHOULDN”T) Compliment Women Anymore
Fingernail art is common where I am. At least for this narrow aspect, everyone I have ever made a positive compliment noticing their nails has appreciated it. I presume the appreciation has to do with their own thoughfulness of something they like being also liked by a stranger. People tend to appreciate affirmation.
Best bet is for guys to zip it around women they don’t know. By issuing compliments to women you don’t know, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose if a woman gets her nose out of joint, whether she’s justified or not. Think 5:20 in the Looney Tunes classic “Bowery Bugs” where Steve Brodie, egged on by a swami played by Bugs, tries to return a handkerchief dropped by a woman (also played by Bugs) resulting in a shout of “Oh you masher! Cad! Ruffian! Help! Police!” resulting in a police sergeant hitting Brodie on the head 11 times with a nightstick. 😮
My former girlfriend was from Colombia. I asked her once what she missed the most living in America. Her answer: the piropos, meaning compliments from strangers. The word is usually translated into English as “catcalls,” but according to her that misses the point. She said that in Colombia, men competed to think of clever and flirtatious compliments, which made life fun and convivial, but in America the men never said anything nice to her.
When I repeat that story to younger college-educated Americans here in New York, they almost always accuse me of lying, on the grounds that of course no woman wants a strange man commenting on her appearance.
Which reminds me of the famous picture of the American girl in Italy, https://www.christies.com/lot/lot-ruth-orkin-american-girl-in-italy-florence-4983463/?. Young American women today tend to view it as a scene of harassment and the “offensive male gaze.” The woman in the picture, taken in 1951, always said that she was having an absolutely wonderful time:
“Men who see the picture always ask me: Was I frightened? Did I need to be protected? Was I upset? They always have a manly concern for me. Women, on the other hand, look at that picture, and the ones who have become my friends will laugh and say, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? Aren’t the Italians wonderful? … They make you feel appreciated!'” https://www.msnbc.com/the-last-word/american-girl-italy-looks-back-msna41964
But, unfortunately, she was talking about men and women of her own age, before bitterness and resentment had infected relations between the sexes to the extent that they have today.
Having lived in South Florida in my thirties and forties, I can say the same is true for the Cuban community. Cuban men have NO problem expressing their appreciation. It is considered good natured flirtation and nothing more. There were more than a few times that I burst out laughing at the catcall and the caller and I both walked away with smiles on our faces. I found myself missing that part of the culture upon moving to the midwest where people tend to be very, very passive (both men and women.). But then most of us are dressed in head to toe Carhart – so there’s that.
Being female, and having had occasion to receive a compliment, I have always been flattered. I think the person who made the inquiry was looking for a reason to be offended.
I was recently out for dinner with my family, and as we were standing to leave, a gentleman at a nearby table got up, come over to us, and complimented my dress. It was a nice thing for him to do, and he was very kind. He was also gay. Would the offended lady still be offended if the man making the compliment was gay, or would it be a genuinely nice gesture?
I think it’s sad that we’ve reached a time when a compliment is received as an offense. If this is how we react when someone is being nice, we’re doomed as a society. Where do we go from here? Sock someone in the eye if they pay for coffee in line one day? Beat up the nice gentleman holding the door? Raise children who can’t recognize manners because they’ve never seen them?
Bingo. Perfect, Michelle.
Where do we go from here? Well in New York if you protect innocent lives and the bad guy has a real bad day as a result then plan to be prosecuted. Just ask Daniel Penny. The Ethicist is mirroring the ideology that anything male and white is to be brought to heel.
If a career in the legal field has taught me anything, it has taught me to dress myself competently. I have received many compliments on my style over the years, usually about my ties (almost exclusively Jerry Garcia), but also about my suits.
I have noticed some trends. I am much more likely to get complimented by black people that I do not know. I could pass them on the sidewalk and they will comment. It recently happened in a Jimmy John’s.
Otherwise, typically, compliments come from people I now or are acquainted with.
Generally, I do not give compliments. The notable exception is I will typically compliment an attorney I see wearing a Jerry Garcia tie. When I do, they usually notice that I am wearing one, as well.
Then, there was the time where I was outside a building and an attractive woman walked by wearing a Burberry scarf. I happened to be wearing the exact same scarf. I wanted to compliment her (ironically) on her scarf. But, then, I fumbled over the very issue raised in this post. She passed by me, I fumbled out “nice scarf” after her back was to me. She didn’t acknowledge me at all and probably just thought that I was a random person cat-calling her. I felt like a jerk. But, if I had not hesitated, it might have made her feel better, especially if she noticed that I was complimenting her on my choice of clothing.
-Jut
Black guys always make contact in public and always take note of my hat while exchanging a hello. I’m not a sharp dressed man, but I assume they take note of a well turned-out set of clothes on a guy. It’s pretty neat.
eye contact
In my law firm days, from 30 to 50, I would complement women secretaries, paralegals or lawyers on new haircuts, always saying they were nice. That was about as far as I felt it was safe to go. The complements were always appreciated. Their hair is a big deal to women, and they generally appreciate someone noticing the effort they put into it. And complements about hair are pretty darned non-threatening.
The current feminist belief that any complement is unacceptable is based on the feminist tenet that when it comes to men, women have no agency whatsoever. A complement will immediately morph into rape. The notion that women are ever complicit in being flattered and seduced is blasphemy. It’s closely related to the tenet that women can wear any suggestive attire they choose, but men must act as if the women are wearing a Burka and must be ignored. These are simply power plays.
It depends.
It’s a trust issue. Based on the woman’s past experiences and current position, does she feel she can safely trust that the man making the compliment will respect boundaries, and just leave it at the compliment?
There are many factors that influence this choice, some of which the man can influence.
Is the compliment about something the woman can control, like hairstyle or clothing?
Does the delivery of the compliment imply expectations of further interactions, or simple appreciation? Does the person giving the compliment seem fixated or casual?
Is the person giving the compliment interrupting something, be it a specific activity or passive contemplation?
I could go on, but those are the first items that come to mind.
Maybe I’m naive, but I do not approach every compliment I receive looking for an ulterior motive. I assume that if someone took the time to say something nice to me, they’re just being nice.
I get that context is important. A compliment received at 2 am from the drunk fella may be genuine, but in context, probably best to just say thanks and not go home with him. However, in a public place, under normal, every day conditions, a compliment is a compliment for me. I don’t have the time or the cynicism needed to analyze a compliment to determine intent.
Does anyone remember the adages
to throw the baby out with the bathwater
or you reap what you sow?
For decades now schools, media and society have been infantilizing adolescents and young adults, pandering and catering to emotions, and feminizing men. It is no wonder that young women have trouble dealing with an ordinary conversation or comment without needing a safe space.
When so many women are villainizing men, it is no wonder they cannot find a real man … someone who is civilized but strong and protective, who wants to take care of his sweetheart, knowing that she is self-reliant and capable, who will have her back when life throws her a curve. A real man like my husband.
While in the past I did my part to further women’s opportunities, I never thought we should be at war with men. We didn’t need to destroy them to succeed. They are our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, friends – not the enemy.
Real women appreciate compliments and are polite enough to say “thank you.”