UPDATE!
Well this is all I needed on a busy day that just included me re-injuring my leg after being pulled off my feet by Spuds. The post below is based on a hoax, and damn the hoaxers to hell. Spreading false stories on the web is unethical, and satire sites are obligated to signal when a post is intended as parody. A few notes:
1. Thanks to the crack EA commentariate for flagging this.
2. The fake story is still up on the usually reliable conservative commentary site Victory Girls, which linked to the fake story I used.
3. I was fooled because first, none of the quotes sounded unlikely given what we have heard and witnessed in Portland in the recent past, and
4. I had never seen a “butt plug” before.I apologize to Ethics Alarms readers and the City of Portland. I try to be careful, but this time I was fooled.
5. Apparently the hoax was inspired by Portland’s city officials this year referring to their annual tree lighting event as just “the tree” or “winter tree,” deliberately omitting the word “Christmas.” Typical dumb Portland wokeness at work: if the hoaxers had only made it clear what they were spoofing, I’d call it a successful and well-deserved satire.
6. I apologize to all, including the City of Portland, for my error.
***
I missed this, which happened about a week ago, in part because I view Portland as a lost cause. You know those zombie apocalypse movies where the survivors will say, sadly, “Boston’s gone, San Diego’s gone”? Portland’s gone, and has been for a long time. I would say it’s Patient Zero for Trump Derangement, woke insanity, anti-Americanism and The Great Stupid, except there are so many other candidates: New York City, California, Minnesota. None of them, however, have descended so far into incompetent cultural madness as Portland, as exemplified by the Christmas, sorry, Holiday Thing the city unveiled this month.
Portland officially replaced its traditional Christmas tree—to be fair, it’s so hard to find evergreen trees in Oregon these days—with that whatever it is above. Officials described the holiday display as “bold,” “inclusive,” and “a meaningful departure from tree-based expectations.”
How far gone do you have to be to utter the words “tree-based expectations” without feeling ridiculous?
City leaders, presumably the same ones who let Black Lives Matter take over parts of the city five year sago, explained the traditional Christmas tree ultimately failed to reflect Portland’s “evolving” relationship with holidays. Thus the “inclusive” replacement, officials said, is intentionally ambiguous, streamlined, and designed to invite interpretation.
I, for example, interpret it as “meaningless, joyless crap.”
In the past, the city tried to excise the word “Christmas” from the Christmas tree, referring to it simply as “the tree.” I was in an association once where a professional, smart female manager bullied the weak, weenie Executive Director to eliminate a Secret Santa gift exchange in favor of renaming the annual event as “Holiday Elves.” She got very angry at me for circulating a memo asking if the Holiday Elves were going to be in evidence on future holidays, like, say Arbor Day and Columbus Day.
Back to Portland: a brave city spokesman tried to explain the Thing without sounding like an idiot, but failed. “At a certain point, we realized the problem wasn’t the name,” he blathered. “It was the tree itself. Once you take Christmas out of the Christmas tree, you’re really just left with a tree. And trees carry a lot of historical baggage.”
Trees carry baggage? I did not know that! That means no Holiday Elves on Arbor Day, I guess. In “I’ll be Home for Christmas,” Bing sings about “presents on the tree.” Maybe it should be changed to “baggage on the tree.”
“This isn’t about Christmas,” thepoor hack continued. “It’s about winter, community, reflection, and celebrating forms that don’t conform to outdated expectations of what a holiday display should look like.”
Oh.
“Outdated.” Traditions are outdated by definition in the Brave New World of Portland. The Thing looks like something Mao would have come up with. Or Big Brother. Apparently unaware of how unhinged it sounded to anyone not replaced by a pod, another city leader said, “Portland has always believed the holidays should make people feel something. This year, that feeling just happens to be mild confusion mixed with quiet self-awareness.”
I could riff on this lunacy all day, but I have promises to keep. I will point out that one of the many “It isn’t what it is” gaslighting efforts by the Mad Left is to deny there is any “War on Christmas” emanating from its headquarters in an asylum somewhere. Right. Portland replaced its Christmas tree with a giant green phallus because Christmas traditions are “outdated,” but there’s no hostility intended.
Feel free to have fun in the comments. I encourage someone to write a parody of “O Christmas Tree” substituting “O Portland Thing” for the refrain.
Ethics Alarms 
It’s not a “Thing.” It’s a butt plug. Somebody quite deliberately decided to insult Christians and all people who celebrate tradition by placing a giant anal sex toy in the center of the city and daring anybody to complain. If you notice what it is, they’ll pretend you’re the dirty-minded one.
That isn’t a giant green phallus, Jack.
It’s a giant green butt plug.
I’m certain that makes you feel a whole lot better about things.
Wait…I have no idea what a “butt plug” looks like and can’t even imagine what it’s used for. Can you generate electricity that way? Who has an anus large enough to accommodate such a device? Where and how did you and Greg encounter one, if I may be so bold as to ask with no aspersions intended?
“Where and how did you and Greg encounter one, if I may be so bold as to ask with no aspersions intended?”
Heh! The EA commentariat boldly goes where no man…welp…you get the picture…
PWS
Yes, when I saw it, the first thing that came to my mind was butt plug. It seems obvious to me. I heard the term somewhere some time ago and looked it up and that’s how I learned what a butt plug was. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t be curious about things (or naive), like the time I looked up “Two girls, one cup” because it was actually mentioned in an SJ post (or comment) and I almost vomited.
Yep… this is pretty much how I found out what they were.
Interestingly enough, my local CVS pharmacy actually has a small sex toy section right near where the drugs are dispensed. Butt plugs are available. I’ve no idea if you can ask for one at the drive-through pickup window, however.
As with everyone else here, well, except for Jack, I have no idea how I know — and I wish I didn’t — this is a butt plug.
Whoever made that decision needs that thing shoved, good and hard, where the sun doesn’t shine.
Oh, FFS. I can’t believe I didn’t check first. This is totally fake news.
However, that didn’t mean Portland wasn’t good for a jab to the ribs:
As thousands gathered in Pioneer Courthouse Square for the Oregon city’s 41st annual tree-lighting on Friday night, leaders and speakers avoided mentioning “Christmas” at any point — including in the ceremony itself and the event’s ads.
However, I’ll bet Portland mentions the shit right out of Ramadan when the time comes.
Yes, I think it originated with this satire article.
https://thatoregonlife.com/2025/12/portland-replaces-christmas-tree/
I say again: The person who designed this atrocity knew exactly what it was, and many if not most of the people responsible for choosing and installing it also knew. It is a deliberate insult. If the perpetrators had offered a similar insult to Islam as they have offered to Christianity, they would today be in hiding for their lives.
E-gads, I’ve been punked, too. The photo is a 2014 sculpture from Paris. I even started writing the requested parody:
I’m thinking the image is AI generated. The butt plug tree was in Paris in 2014. The scene is pioneer courthouse square though, with the federal courthouse in the background.
I was there a week ago. It is a regular tree. Portland has cleaned up, it is no longer a scary mess like it has been for many years.
I posted a reply to jeffguinn (that went to spam?) with what looks like the original satire article link. This did not really replace the tree.
Portland Replaces Christmas Tree With Large Green Object, Calls New Holiday Display “Bold” and “Inclusive”
by Tyler James | Dec 12, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire
It was indeed spammed. It’s up now.
Yup. Thanks. I just revised the post to reflect this. I hate web hoaxes. Assholes.
KEEP CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS!! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
You’ll find nary a bell to ring!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
You’ll find nary a bell to ring!
Old fogies’ rituals are moot!
Our goal’s th’Spirit to dilute!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing
You’ll find nary a bell to ring!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
We’ve made it illegal to sing!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
We’ve made it illegal to sing!
No faith or creed me we detect!
Even Old Claus is too suspect!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
We’ve made it illegal to sing!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
Our strength is our diversity!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
Our strength is our diversity!
We don’t believe in offending
save those who think that Christ is King!
Oh, Portland Thing! Oh, Portland Thing!
Our strength is our diversity!
Brava.
As ‘Rich in CT’ pointed out:
The image is a satirical image of a controversial art sculpture, widely circulated online with false claims that it was Portland’s official Christmas tree. The sculpture is actually American artist Paul McCarthy’s inflatable work titled Tree, which was installed in Paris in 2014.
About the “Tree” Sculpture
Reading about this escapade and seeing the photo, I couldn’t help thinking Provincetown, Mass, most likely has a town holiday butt plug prominently on display each holiday season.
Jack,
I personally commend you for owning and apologizing for mistakes you’ve made along the way, it shows genuine integrity.
Side Note: These kinds of things make me seriously wonder how many other people across this country have been hoaxed by false narratives that the left leaning media have been shoving in our faces since at least 2016 and the hoaxed still either don’t know, or don’t care, that they’ve been hoaxed. Many of the hoaxed are okay with parroting false narratives as long as the narrative fits their bias and smears the target they hate, these kind of people could learn a LOT from someone like Jack.
Remember…
As more and more information is available, including AI generated false narratives, getting hoaxed because of bias is becoming more and more of a social problem. Unchecked bias like this can easily lead to complete moral bankruptcy.
Again Jack, thank you for the high levels of integrity you share with us.
I stand by my song.
Laughing out loud repeatedly. Thank you all for so much fun.
BTW, I believe butt plugs have been recommended for humans and cows to reduce methane pollution …