Clockwise from Left: “These aren’t my pants!”…”A ghost did it!”…”I was just trying to revive her!”…”Elephant? What elephant?”
There is no question that Rodger William Kelly deserves his Jumbo Award, the Ethics Alarms honor periodically bestowed on “an ethical miscreant who continues to try to brass his or her way out of an obvious act of ethical misconduct when caught red-handed and there is no hope of ducking the consequences.” But there is a legitimate issue over whether his explanation to the St. George, Utah police regarding why he had sexual intercourse with his unconscious, 29-year-old female neighbor becomes the new champion as the most ridiculous excuse ever.
To refresh you memory, the current champ is Michael West, the Wisconsin wife-beater who swore to police that his bruised and bloody wife had been attacked by a ghost. He dethroned long-time champ Lindsay Lohan, who began her long, sad descent by explaining to police, when she was still a movie star and caught with cocaine on her person after a vehicle arrest, that she was wearing someone else’s pants.
I think West’s short reign is over, however. Kelly told officers that he found the woman passed out in front of her apartment and, concerned for her welfare, he brought her inside his own apartment. There he changed her clothes and put her on his bed, and tried to “warm her” by laying down next to her, hugging her, and then, as a desperate measure since nothing seemed to be working, inserting his heat-emitting penis into her to try to “raise her temperature.” Later he tried more conventional CPR. He’s not a rapist. He’s a hero!
And the fact that the 50-year-old used to have an intimate relationship with the woman until she told him, shortly before he rescued her, that she didn’t want to ever have sex with him again was just one of those funny coincidences.
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Pointer: Fark
Facts: Salt Lake Tribune
Ethics Alarms 
Are drugs involved in every single case?
West? Not that I know of. Kelly? Why would you think that? Jimmy Durante? I doubt it. Lindsay, definitely.
idk. Off the wall explanations point to drugs or alcohol abuse.
Nah. They point to desperation, and perhaps stupidity, or the assumption that everyone else is stupid. Clinton’s excuse that oral sex wasn’t sex actually worked. At the time, I thought it was right up there with “its not my pants,” if not worse.
Having taught in the prison system , trust me its stupidity.
Nothing like starting my day with a little vomit. Thanks Jack.
I’m sure he was so altruistic during his heroic insertion of his meat heater into the poor victim of assumed hypothermia that he ensured the pleasurable aspects of his organic thermal injection system were appropriately ignored.
If it were found that he allowed himself to personally enjoy the life saving task of sliding his octagonal warmth source into the surprisingly unhappy woman, this unfortunate Good Samaritan may be falsely accused of rape!
What will our society do if would-be saviors must worry about false accusation of rape every time they attempt to revive the temporarily comatose with their counter-frostbite short term direct input body heat conduction apparatus?