They are the perfect  2015 replacements for Larry, Moe and Curly. So diverse! Bristol Palin, a conservative woman; Geraldo Rivera,a Hispanic liberal who works for a conservative news network, and Dan Savage, a progressive gay scold!

Too bad they aren’t funny.

In fact, they are pathetic, and, of course, ethically inert. They also make “Porcupine” and the Howard Boys look classy by comparison, and they showered in their clothes.

First, yecch, Bristol Palin. She is the epitome of a worthless celebrity. Arguably, she is worse that a Kardashian. Her claim to fame is embarrassing her mother by turning up pregnant and unmarried in the middle of the 2008 Presidential campaign. That’s it. That got her a slot on “Dancing With The Stars” and a reality show where she became the poster girl for unmarried motherhood as a clever career move. Then, mind-blowingly, she became a paid advocate for teenage abstinence before marriage, that is, unlike her. In 2011, Palin was paid more than a typical Hillary Clinton college speaking fee—over a quarter million dollars—to be the abstinence spokesperson for the Candies Foundation.

Naturally, she got pregnant sans wedding ring again.

Soon after her engagement to former Marine and Medal of Honor awardee Dakota Meyer ended, Palin announced on her blog this week that she was once more with child, but without husband. “I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one,” wrote Palin. “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you,” she wrote. “But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.”

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!

No sympathy? Deal. But here’s the lecture: you owe the Candies Foundation—which, frankly, deserves this embarrassment for hiring a feckless reality star as a role model for impressionable teens–every cent you accepted as part of your con. But then your life is a con. You have no talent, no integrity, and no excuse for your conduct. Get an education, grow up, and go away. You degrade the culture and America’s values by your very existence.

Now let’s consider LGBT guerrilla Dan Savage, master of the cheap shot, who wrote, in response to Palin’s news: “If Bristol Palin’s last name was ‘Obama,’the whole Hee Haw gang at Fox News would spend half of every day for the next nine months telling us that Bristol Obama has terrible parents… and the half of the day pretending to fret over the terrible example that Bristol Obama was setting for other African American women and girls.”  How is this wrong? Let us count the ways:

1. Gratuitous Fox bashing. How is this story in any way connected to Fox? It isn’t; Palin’s mother doesn’t even work there anymore. Apparently it’s so offensive to autopilot progressives that there exists a news network that dares to tell the public about events that reflect poorly on the Obama administration that the plan is to blame Fox for everything, even things they haven’t done yet and are unlikely to. Last week, a South Carolina legislator blamed the Charleston shooting on Fox News, as a CNN hack nodded solemnly. Now Bristol Palin’s pregnancy mean that Fox is hypocritical, based on what they did in an alternate reality that Savage apparently can visit at will.

2. If an Obama teenaged daughter got pregnant, criticism would be valid and necessary. The event would be a cultural disaster for blacks, teens, and society. I hope Fox would criticize it. I hope every news organization would criticize it, not that they would. Savage represents responsible punditry as some kind of partisan smear, apparently believing that such conduct by the National Role Models would be just swell.

3. Savage, who fervently believes that anything involving anyone’s anything being inserted in anyone else’s anyplace should occur without shame or regrets, wants a news network to shame someone for something he doesn’t think is shame-worthy simply because he doesn’t like her mother. I happen to agree with his related point: Bristol Palin is a waste of life and blot on the cultural landscape, and Fox should slam her hypocrisy, and assist the effort to drive her off the national scene forever. Savage, however, is being a hypocrite while accusing Fox of hypocrisy. He sees nothing wrong with unmarried motherhood, but calls Fox hypocritical for not doing what he thinks would be wrong, while hypothetically doing what would be responsible.

The clinical term for Savage’s comment is “being a massive jerk.”

Finally, for the grand finale, Geraldo Rivera. Coming to the defense of his employers, Geraldo responded to Savage’s idiotic smear with the full wit, logic and civility of the attorney and respected journalist he is by tweeting to Dan ,

Fxck you jerk-off.

…thus invoking some of the memorable and inspiring rejoinders in the same vein uttered by Abe Lincoln to Stephen Douglas, by Franklin Roosevelt in the wake of Pearl Harbor, and by Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson to the tyranny of King George.

To Geraldo’s credit, he preserved the civility of the public square by substituting an “x” for the “u” in “fuck.”