My future, if I don’t figure this out…
In the middle of a 20 minute errand that became a 90 minute ordeal today, I found myself sitting in an unexpected long line at the gas station I usually patronize. Maybe it was because people wanted to top off tanks before the blizzard hits tomorrow, but I was really almost out of gas, and the second I moved into the “tank on the right” line, I was socked in. Finally I had only one car ahead of me, and an absurdly long line of automobiles behind.
The lady in the car ahead, however, was unbelievable. She wasn’t elderly, but she was obese, had something wrong with one leg, and apparently had never filled a gas tank before in her life. She dithered, she paused, she disappeared and returned. She punched in so many characters at the pump that her Debit card password must have been a chapter of “Martin Chuzzlewit.”
Finally she replaced the pump, after pausing and contemplating it like it was Yorick’s skull, walked around to the driver-side door, then decided to walk back—S-L-O-W-L-Y— and make sure she had replaced the gas tank cap, then again s-l-o-w-l-y limped and waddled back to the door. She opened the it, stared, then decided to unzip her coat, started to take it off, changed her mind, paused again. The line of cars behind me now reached to Falls Church.
I was just a smidgen of impulse control away from getting out of my car, which was turned off, and walking up to her, whereupon I would have said, not especially nicely:
“FOR GOD SAKE, LADY, GET IN YOUR DAMN CAR AND GET OUT OF HERE! EVERYBODY’S WAITING ON YOU—STEP IT UP!!! SHOW A LITTLE URGENCY!!! I DON’T WANT TO CELEBRATE MY NEXT BIRTHDAY BEHIND YOU, AND EVERYONE BEHIND ME MIGHT HAVE SOME PLANS FOR VALENTINES DAY. MOVE IT!”
But I didn’t. I have this same impulse when I’m in a long in a fast food place, and the person ahead of me finally gets their chance and THEN looks at the menu. Or, and this is my personal favorite, when I’m waiting for a space when all a parking lots spaces are filled, and someone gets in their car, and never pulls out. The car’s running, and there they are, setting their radio, adjusting their seat, looking at mail, chEcking their cell phone, I don’t know what the hell they are doing, BUT THEY COULD DAMN WELL BE CONSIDERATE AND DO IT AFTER THEY GAVE UP THE PARKING SPACE!!!
(I actually have knocked on car windows and made a similar point on occasion, though not recently.)
Today, I found myself wondering what was the right thing to do. The slug-like woman who robbed me of a portion of my life shouldn’t be reprimanded for behavior out of her control. She had physical problems. Be nice, Jack; be compassionate and kind: those days are coming. But what excuse is there for all the other dithering? Is she just an idiot? Am I ethically obligated not to remind idiots that they have an ethical duty to minimize the damage of their own idiocy? Maybe if I told her about , she’d stop acting like that in future queues.
I have written about the duty of all members of society to enforce social norms whenever possible: the Duty to Confront. Is this kind of entitled, thoughtless, oblivious conduct excusable, deserving of the benefit of the doubt, or per se intolerable, demanding some kind of intervention, enforcement and shaming?
I don’t know.
It is also the kind of situation in which the Golden Rule can become a rationalization for inaction. Now, Jack, remember, you wouldn’t want a stranger to come over and yell at you! What? I’d never act like that! If the day comes when I do act like that, not only do I give you permission right now to yell at me, I’ll give you permission to hit me in the head with a brick.
When you read that I died of a brain aneurysm while sitting in gas line, though, remember this post.
Ethics Alarms 
You had better brace yourself for a whole lot of: “I remember one time when……” comments; because I do!
What is far more annoying is when the NEXT person behind them does EXACTLY THE SAME DAMN THING! YES, I’M SHOUTING!
I just had a thought for a blog; things people do that annoy me to tears – but then that’s pretty much Facebook isn’t it.
Give her the benefit of the doubt. I don’t say this as a patient person, but as a person who is increasingly aware that I do things that probably annoy other people to the point of an aneurysm. There might be a duty to enforce social norms, but I don’t think it applies here.
It’s also a social norm to be compassionate and there is very little of it around right now. I believe that the world is just a little better because you resisted the impulse to confront her. And, I’ll bet it didn’t take any longer to wait than it would have taken to confront her. And, instead of two angry frustrated people there is only one. And that one is an ethicist who just helped make the world a better place. Save the aneurysm for more worthy offenders. Like the next naked teacher.
In the same situation today, I pulled into a jammed gas station and magically glided to a vacant pump. I sat for several seconds expecting a honk or scream from the first person in the line that I must have jumped, but it never came.
Ah, yes, the slug who waits so long to move up that you say, “Screw this” and jump ahead.
Perhaps she was oblivious to the fact that she was holding everybody else up rather than some sort of a personality disorder. It might have been an opportunity to say something like “Gee, you seem to be having some trouble with the gas pump and there’s quite a line of cars behind us. Is it ok if I help you out?” She might have gotten mad but my feeling is perhaps she would have appreciated your assistance.
She did not rob you of a portion of your life. You gave it to her.
Buck up, shut up and take responsibility for yourself.
Someone pissed you off.
That’s your fault.
-Jut
Great, Sarge, except I have no idea what your solution is. Not get pissed of when someone is inconsiderate? Ignore assholes so they can mess with other people’s time and temper? Or take responsibility by confronting them? What’s my fault? I honestly have no idea, and I usually decipher competent English rather well.
That was a masterpiece of ambiguous assertive and insulting blather. I’m impressed. Nothing like covering all options at once, not picking one, and being self-righteous about it.
My apologies, Private,
I would expect that someone who bills his website as an “ethics” site would at least have some passing familiarity with one of the major ethical systems of Western Society; that system being Stoicism.
Yes, you can piss and moan to no end if you decide to focus on the shortcomings of others. They will likely give you sufficient cause for outrage at any time.
Part of living in society is shutting the hell up when you are dealing with the Great Unwashed.
-Jut
That would mean that I agreed with the Stoics. In truth, they were nuts. It’s a philosophical excuse for inaction, apathy, and passing the buck. Thanks for the clarification: it does make an otherwise bizarre comment make at least linguistic sense.
Stoicism is one of the many examples of philosophical navel-gazing that renders philosophers inert, incoherent, isolated, largely incomprehensible, pompous and utterly useless. Worse than useless, because they make the average person give up on practical ethics tools and just default to rationalizations.
After all the pin-head arguing over terms—“What IS happiness?” “Which indifferences are virtuous?”—Stoicism rationalizes not giving a shit. I can’t believe you could read Ethics Alarms and not recognize me as one of the least Stoic ethicists imaginable. My theme is “Fix the problem,” not “Convince yourself the problem doesn’t matter.”
I detest Stoicism.
For those lucky enough nt to have to wade through its nonsense earlier but who are curious, here is a good overview:
http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/stoicism/#Eth
A philosophical excuse for inaction?
I have heard it said that the only thing necessary for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.
Jut’s corollary is that the only thing necessary for good to prevail is that evil people do nothing.
So, yes, an excuse for inaction? Sure. The world might be much better if most people did nothing. I got part of that from Pascal, too. (The majority of human misery is the result of man’s inability to sit quietly in his own bedroom.)
Inaction? Yes! The inclination to “do something” is usually irresistible and equally ineffective.
But feel free to yell at the obese woman at the gas station. It is bound to work eventually.
-Jut
But of course you know that “Fix the problem” and “do something” meaning “anything” are not the same thing. Note that I did not, in fact, take the time and energy to tell the slug that she was a rude menace. There are consequences to inaction, though. Your version of Stoicism is apparently based on the rationalization 1A. Ethics Surrender, or “We can’t stop it.” You never know if you don’t try. I’ve actually had a pretty good record of getting jackasses to change their behavior. Ive gotten loud-taliking, rude teens thrown out of a CVS. I’ve gotten texting assholes thrown out of movie theaters. I wrote about stopping smug tailgating bastards from taking up two parking spaces with one car. My wife has stopped a mother from slapping around her 4 year old in public. I’m doing my job. She’s doing hers. If the stoics would do theirs, more people would change their conduct.
Poppycock! If that is your understanding of Stoic ethics, I cannot blame you for your position. It would be much better to read the first page of Epictetus’s Enchiridion.
Agree with it or not, it is a far more comprehensible explanation than the link you provided.
-Jut
No, I confess, JG, I like that explanation in large part because it is classic philosophy scholarly gobbledygook, a close relative to “authentic frontier jibberish.” I confess, I last read Epictetus’s Enchiridion in 1971.
1971? You are due for a review. Or, just read the Serenity Prayer. Stoicism through and through. If your exposure to stoicism is more than 40 years ago, you may need a refresher.
-Jut
I know the Serenity Prayer TOO well, however, and the Niebuhrs. The SP is a tool, and can be a life-saver. I can also name about 1000 historical figures that if they were devotees, we’d be living in caves.
If you re-read my comment through the lens of Stoicism, my comment is well-defined and crystal clear.
-Jut
I agree. But nobody in their right mind reads ANYTHING “through the lens of stoicism”—especially me.
Nobody? Really? The opening sentence of the Preface of Kant’s Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals alludes to Stoic Philosophy as the basis for his ethics. It permeates his entire Critical system. It is even reflected in the formulation of the Categorical Imperative.
(I have omitted any number of snarky or condescending remarks I could have made here, because I know you have heard of Kant. He took the Stoics seriously; why wouldn’t you?)
-Jut
But he was not a Stoic. And I’m not a Kantian. He gave us some valid tools, that’s all. Some good food grows out of manure.
My interest, at this point, in formal philosophical theories is academic at best. They are useful fragments and concepts, but all of them fail, and some, like Stoicism, are extreme, anti-human nature, theoretical nonsense. The fact that ancient theories have the seeds of ideas that can inspire other theorists doesn’t make those ideas any less impractical or useful in ethics problem-solving, or to people who aren’t philosophers. “The Influence of The Stoics On Kant” sounds like an honors thesis.
No, stoicism too is a tool. It has its uses. Neglect it at your peril. If someone at a gas station pisses you off, pick the right tool.
-Jut
It’s not much of a tool. I’d call it a bad habit. The line between stoicism and apathy is razor thin, and apathy is dangerous. I’ll err to the other side, and I am very certain that is the more ethical course.
I believe that these people suffer from a mental disorder. In short, they have little or no power or control in their own life, and when, by chance, they find themselves in a position to exert a bit of control over others, they find it irresistible, and too delicious to pass up. It’s a moment that they long for, any kind of validation in their sad life, even if it’s making it to the front of a gas line, and then making everyone wait, shows that they must matter at least a little, for that moment.
They deserve compassion, and a severe beating. Time permitting, I usually flip a coin.
Offer assistance as a polite way to show you need to hurry up.
I thought this was a good idea. Who knows…you may find out she just lost her job or left her beloved sister’s funeral or any other mentally dishevelling event.
Or you may find out she’s a jerk prompting you to give her a civic reprimand.
“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”
~Marcus Aurelius~
I’m right there with you. The ones that get me are the ones who are lost — driving in the street or pushing a cart in the grocery store — “I’m sorry you don’t know where you want to go, but I do, so can you get the hell out of my way!”
But I don’t say anything. First of all, they may be doing the best they can. That woman might be from out of town, driving a rental car she’s not familiar with, in a gas station she’s never been to before, using a new credit card, from a state that has gas station attendants, suffering a migraine, worried about her daughter in the hospital…you get the idea. Granted, probably not, but if there’s not much to be gained, why take the risk?
Second, there’s not much to be gained. There are situations where you can take effective action, but this doesn’t strike me as one of them. I can’t think of anything I could say or do that would improve the situation (with the possible exception of offering to help). If she’s befuddled, you’ll only confuse her even more. If she’s a bitch, then you and her are going to waste time fighting.
You had the right idea with the Golden Rule, but you applied it wrong. Don’t imagine you are the woman at the pump, imagine you are the driver behind you. You’ve been waiting forever in this damned gas line, you’re two cars away from the pump and now this woman is just…taking…for…ever… And what’s this? Now the guy right in front of you has gotten out of his car! Why is he doing that? Oh Jesus, now he and the woman are arguing! What the hell is wrong with people?!?
Unless you really see a way to make things better, it’s probably best to keep calm and carry on.
Just wanted to jump on to say that I think this is the best comment of the entire post. I agree with just about every single word…ESPECIALLY the first and last paragraphs!
Which, I suppose, in Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink” way, is part of the instant reasoning that ended in me not doing anything but writing a blog post. You articulated and advocated for “benefit of the doubt” elegantly.
Not sure, however, that you accurately pegged the reaction of the driver behind. If I saw the driver ahead of my confront the woman, my first two reactions would be 1) “Good” and 2) “Now I don’t have to do it.”
Well, as long as you’re giving permission.
I don’t blame you for your patience wearing thin, mine would have been getting pretty ragged too. The fact that 20 minutes turned into 90 would not help either. Dunno about jumping out of the car and confronting the woman, when a quick tap of the horn might have sent the message “hey, move it!” Let’s not forget, there were plenty of other folks around there, and if you start yelling at some woman you don’t know, there’s always the chance someone might come to this woman’s defense, telling you to stop behaving like a bully and then what? There’s also the chance that the gas station attendant comes out and tells you to take a hike, and then you don’t get your gas and have to start all over again.
I am reminded of a friend of my dad’s who seems to always take the confrontational road, sometimes over stupid stuff. In the days when mom was alive, this guy, his wife, and my mom and dad went to a community theater production. Tickets had been purchased ahead of time, but because the two women were a little slow to get rolling, they arrived only 5 minutes before curtain, and the staff were running low on programs. When the usher asked if it was OK if they got two instead of four, he went off on him “I paid for four, I will HAVE four!” in full hearing of the whole lobby, embarrassing everyone else in the party and bringing the house manager running, to tell him to stop yelling at her usher and creating a disruption. This over two folded pieces of paper that were going to get tossed at the end of the show anyway. He finally got put in his place last year when he boarded a flight and found someone had stowed their suitcase in the overhead bin over his seat, which, as you know, doesn’t belong to any particular person or seat. He took the suitcase out, held it up, and yelled (he had been a university professor so he could reach the whole plane with his voice) “Hey, whoever owns this suitcase, you better come get it out of my space or its going to sit in the aisle the whole flight!” The owner, who turned out to be a much bigger guy, but who didn’t speak a word of English, yelled at him and it almost resulted in a physical confrontation, but it never came to that, as the crew called the police and had him thrown off the flight for creating a disruption. All the bluster in the world didn’t stop him from getting left in the terminal, and he is still trying to get a refund, which probably won’t be forthcoming.
There’s a fine line between discharging the legitimate duty to confront bad behavior, and simply countering bad behavior with more bad behavior. There are also always other people involved, who may not see it your way. If they don’t see it your way, there’s always the chance that they’re going to tell you to kiss their ass, at which point you can either walk away or escalate the situation even more, or that they will escalate the situation. In this case, you were in no danger because this woman was out of shape and she was a woman. If the dilatory individual had been a guy bigger than you who was slow because he was talking to his gf or wife on the cell phone, I submit the thought of confrontation would never have entered your mind, because you might have been looking at a trip to the hospital.
Jack,
The thing to do is get out of your car and politely offer to help the person that is so obviously in need of help. It’s only takes a few short seconds to make a difference for that person, you, and everyone waiting in that line.
I’ve had similar kinds of things go both ways but the vast majority of the time simply offering help for such things will accomplish the task to get the job done a bit quicker whether it’s you speeding up the process or the person needing the help becoming more aware that they need to speed up the process.
How the person in obvious need of responds to an offer of help will depend on them, but regardless of their attitude, you would have done the right thing.
Honestly, that never occurred to me, and I do go up to people and ask when I think they need help.
It’s just another little piece of what make me who I am.
Agreed.
And their reaction is key for any follow on conduct:
Either compassion, understanding and commiseration, OR a solid rebuke and corrective counseling.
Oh please, react to the JG Stoic pitch.
Huh?
JutGory, out of nowhere, decided to sing the praises of Stoicism on this thread. It’s interesting. I am about as far from Stoicism as a human being can be.
That is why you get brain aneurysms and frequent cranial explosions: you get outraged about things over which you have no control. So, when you want to rant about some obese person who pisses you off, I don’t have to be sympathetic.
That’s your problem: you don’t get that we do have control over societally corrosive and anti-social behavior. We don’t tolerate it. We proactively oppose it. We teach. We shame. You preach apathy and sliding standards.
And by the way, the woman’s obesity had nothing to do with her inability to speed up the non-walking aspects of her transaction when she realized, as she had to, that many people were waiting for her.
First off, you brought up her obesity. If that was not relevant, you were playing on prejudices.
Secondly, I am not sure you understand apathy, as that is used by Stoics. I think your views might mesh well with certain Stoic views. You might do well to study them further.
After much consideration, I will leave it at that; the response to the remainder of your comments would just be rhetorical potshots.
You have the Stoics wrong. If you are truly interested in the study of ethics, you should reconsider it (for what it’s worth).
-Jut
I remember a CC Rider that had broken down on a country road in Wisconsin (well before cell phones), I pulled over in front of him with my pickup truck, ramps, tools and a willingness to help and asked if I could help and the response I got back earned him a scowl, a very firm “Well FU then”, and I turned around and walked away fully intending to leave him on the side of the road. About the time I got to my truck door, he apologized and asked for my help. He was having a bad day and needed a good jolt to bring him out of his state of mind and I was more than happy to give him that jolt. We loaded his bike on the truck, tied it down and away we went to his house. In the end he was a pretty decent guy having a really crappy day and very appreciative of the help, we had a beer in his garage chatting about his broken bike and then I went on my way.
Sometimes you gotta look past an initial response, consider the circumstances (walk in their shoes), forgive, and drive on with your initial offer of helping. Life is just too damn short to hold grudges for such temporary initial reactions.
I’m glad you mentioned this option.
I can accept confusion but I cannot excuse bad manners. Jack managed to keep his frustration from going to the next level. Now for my latest story on bad manners.
I visit the local Cumberland Farms each morning to pick up a daily paper and a cup of coffee. There is often a crowd and the line will form and take the next customer in either the right or the left register. A week or so ago someone just went and plopped right behind someone checking out at the register and totally ignoring the 12 or so of us patiently standing in line. I simply shouted “The line is back here so join us and wait your turn.” The reply was “I’m in a hurry….be a hall monitor elsewhere.”
At that point, he dropped his breakfast sandwich and coffee at the counter and the clerk placed a “This section closed sign” in front of him. Grudgingly he went to the back and the clerk quickly removed the sign. A master stroke of action by the clerk.
The next day I returned and the same clerk – who knows I’m a regular – said I missed all the fun. When the A-Hole got to the register on the other side the clerk deliberately screwed up his charge card attempt and put another five minutes onto his “wait” time.
Sometimes action can be very subtle and sent a message, but I doubt the message would get through a thick skull.
My hat is off to the first clerk for handling jerkassery without escalating things, not as much to the second, which was a bit more retaliation.
I read a study.. this was years ago…. but a group of college age students camped up on top of a couple of major shopping centers several times a year and measured the time from when a subject was within a foot of their car to the time they closed their door to the time they started their engine, to the time they drove off.
Their conclusion? One: Women waste significantly more fuel sitting in a parking spot, regardless of the time of year. And two: If there is someone waiting for the parking spot, people took an average of three times as long to vacate the parking spot.
Apparently, we’re assholes by nature.
Foul. The statistics are bunk. No way to control for women who self identify as men or men who self identify as women. Or for homosexual men trapped in women’s bodies who self identify as transgender women.
The study should have identified the subjects as “people who appear to be women” waste more time sitting there.
An interesting study. But I wonder what kind of regional differences exist.
Many years ago I was involved in a time study for a convenience store chain on ideas to speed up register time. What it came down to was women! Men have no pocket books to lug around and generally just a billfold and loose change. Drop the money and take off. Women would search through to find that extra change or show up at the register little prepared to pay. I imagine this may now have changed with the extensive use of plastic – but, then again, watch my wife I doubt it.
With Pay-Pass touch and go, I like playing wallet roulette. I’ll slap my wallet against the terminal, one of my cards gets charged, and I figure it out when I do my statements up at the end of the month. Who has time to take the plastic out of the leather? Not this guy.
Brave in these days of bold identity theft.
People with purses. (Seinfeld: “It’s a European carry-all!”)
Next time, offer to pump her gas yourself!
My reaction
1) Offer to help. She’s got problems, maybe I can ameliorate them, thereby making the world some minute scintilla of a better place. It’s an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I might not be in a tearing hurry (though probably am) but odds are at least one person in the line behind me is – so the quicker the better.
2) And if the offer is refused with rudeness and malice – burst out laughing at the absurdity and folly of the human species. And after all, in the Grand Scheme of Things – it’s not actually a Big Deal, is it? History books a century hence won’t mention it. Lives are not at stake. There’s enough Big Stuff in my life to sweat that Small Stuff can remain safely unsweated.
And Jack – the fact that you got upset at this means you’re being stressed somewhere in your life. Can anyone help? Though you’ve probably got it all in hand by now, writing this introspective piece proves it.
I applaud you for not telling her off, since it’s possible she has OCD and had to make sure the gas cap was all the way back on or the correct numbers were punched in. As a diagnosed sufferer of checking OCD, I know how embarrassing it can be if someone comments on your actions/asks what the hell you’re doing and how utterly paralyzing it is to have to do the actions in the first place.