“The Twelve Lies Of Rittenhouse”

Sadly, this is how my mind works and has always worked, if you can call it “working.” Once I wrote in the previous post that my mention of twelve lies in regard to the Kyle Rittenhouse case suggested a Christmas song parody, I couldn’t get the idea out of my head until I wrote it. Fortunately, there were more than twelve lies to play with, or the challenge would have been impossible.

Here it is; do with it as you choose. The video above is provided so you can sing along:

To vilify Kyle Rittenhouse the Big Lie number one
Was “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

For the second lie reporters and activists had fun
Saying “His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

For the third lie of Rittenhouse, the press told everyone,
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!’
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

The fourth lie told Kyle “These were peaceful protests, son!”
“You hate blacks!”
“Your gun was illegal!
And “You crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

The fifth lie of Rittenhouse was wildly overdone:

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

With the 6th lie of Rittenhouse, the case had just begun,
It was “Those he shot were black,”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.”
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

For the seventh lie of Rittenhouse the media lied a ton,
Saying he was not attacked,
“Those he shot were black,”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

For the eighth lie of Rittenhouse, the media would run
With “They’d find a black man guilty!”
“Kyle was not attacked,”
“Those he shot were black”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

In Lie Number Nine, we saw reality undone
They said Jacob Blake was dead
“They’d find a black man guilty!”
“Kyle was not attacked,”
“Those he shot were black”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

The 10th lie of Rittenhouse was an audacious one
“He should have run away!”
“Jacob Blake was dead”
“They’d find a black man guilty!”
“Kyle was not attacked,”
“Those he shot were black”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

Then they said so the public thought Kyle had to be shunned
“He pretended he was crying!”
“He should have run away!”
“Jacob Blake was dead”
“They’d find a black man guilty!”
“Kyle was not attacked,”
“Those he shot were black”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

Lie number 12 claimed Kyle’s guilt was proved and done.
“No reasonable doubt!”
“He pretended he was crying!”
“He should have run away!”
“Jacob Blake was dead”
“They’d find a black man guilty!”
“Kyle was not attacked,”
“Those he shot were black”

“JO-JO’S A SAINT!”

“These were peaceful protests.’
“Kyle hates blacks!”
“His gun was illegal!”
And “He crossed state lines carrying a gun!”

19 thoughts on ““The Twelve Lies Of Rittenhouse”

  1. Well…. one procrastinator to another, did you REALLY have anything more pressing to do today?

    Even if you did, that’s hilarious.

  2. Huzza! I’m sharing this. (with credits)

    Get your relatives back together, record them singing it, and put it on TikTok 😉

    And just because I often can’t help myself when I really should just keep my mouth shut, maybe consider modifying the first line to “crossed state lines with a big gun”, or similar?.. The cadence works a tad better, and it let’s you throw in another media exaggeration that he was carrying a “giant” rifle, when the AR is, by design, a relatively compact firearm.

    Now you can hate me now for presuming to mess with your work.

    • The scansion of the original is extremely flexible. That line was not one where I felt I was pushing it. “A partridge in a pear tree” (also sung as “A partri-idge in a pear tree”) has 7 beats, and so does “He crossed state lines carrying a gun” if carrying is sung “Car-ying” which is legit. I’d also cavil about confusing the issue with “big.” If the men were shot with a derringer, the fake narrative would have been the same.

      • Well, yeah, you’re right…Like I said, I really should keep my mouth/keyboard shut more often. The term I actually heard (maybe from one of the fools on The View) was “giant gun” (maybe “rifle”), which is really absurd and only meant as negative embellishment…but seemed to scan one syllable too much to me.

        Thanks again for creating and sharing. Now get your folks together for the TicTok vid!

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