I tried to restrain myself, I really did. I have a heavy backlog of ethics topics and some Comments of the Day from all of you languishing. But a post headlined “The Worst Actors of All Time, Ranked” on a website called Definitions.org sucked me in, and I’m annoyed.
To begin with, the clickbait headline is a lie, several lies in fact. Since every actor in the list of 50 “worst actors” is alive and was active in the 21st century, it can’t possibly be an “all time” list. Then, once you click on the title, the list magically becomes “the 50 actors the critics can’t stand.” Well, at least that explains why Natalie Portman didn’t make the list of 50 Worst.
I’m not even sure what criteria one could or should use to decide on the “worst actors.” Most over-rated (like Portman)? Narrowest range? If an actor plays a particular type better than anyone, even if he or she never tries anything else, that doesn’t make them bad actors. As a director, I have always maintained that at least 85% of the public could play at least one role in a major movie well.
Or are the worst actors the talented ones who nevertheless have turned in horrible performances repeatedly? Richard Burton could be terrific, but his performance in several late career vehicles, especially “The Exorcist II,” were inexcusably bad. Sylvestor Stallone is on the 50 “worst actors” list, but he was wonderful in “Rocky.” I’d say a single excellent performance disqualifies an actor as an “all time worst.” More than half of the actors on the definition.org ranking have at least one great performance on their resumes. One standard I find perplexing is the Arnold Schwarzenegger problem (he’s on the list). Arnold always picked his roles well: they never required him to do more than he was capable of doing at least competently. If he was good enough to make movies he starred in box office hits, how can you call him a bad actor? The truly bad actors get one chance and we never see them again. Literally every actor in “Plan Nine From Outer Space” makes the worst actor on the definition.org list look like Olivier by comparison. And don’t get me started on PNFOS’s infamous writer and director, Ed Wood, in his one acting turn in “Glenn or Glenda?”
After thinking about it (but not too much), here is my draft list of the dozen worst actors “of all time” in no particular order:
- O.J. Simpson
- Audie Murphy (American hero, really bad actor)
- Cybil Shepherd
- Roger Moore
- Elvis Presley
- Ali McGraw
- Rock Hudson
- Fred Astaire (and I love Astaire, but his acting was always an afterthought)
- Annette Funicello
- Jonathan Winters (a notable exception to the general rule that great comedians tend to be good actors)
- Stephen Boyd (though his death scene in Ben-Hur arguably disqualifies him)
- Johnny Weissmuller
- Robert Wagner
Ethics Alarms 
He’s was excellent in To Hell and Back
Yes, but how bad can anyone be literally playing themselves? Jackie Robinson was OK as Jackie Robinson in “The Jackie Robinson Story” too.
It was a joke.
Oh! I didn’t get it because I almost wrote the same thing as an addendum to Audie’s name. I saw his grave marker today when I visited Dad in Arlington National Cemetery.
I’m not good at Internet humor
There’s an annual Audie Murphy fan club meeting in Greenville, Texas. Dad just went to it this past Saturday.
Used to have some of his comrades from the war (which, for obvious reasons, trickled out several years ago). Now fewer and fewer of his costars coming by.
Now down to fans and family members.
It’s a tragic story. My Dad told me about Murphy when I was about 7. He was an admirer, and went to Audie’s movies out of respect.
At some point in his movie career after he’d become fairly well seen but the war horrors were really getting to him he’d gotten ready to end his life. But he gave a close friend one last call and his friend told him “what will the children who love your movies think?”
Audie responded with an expletive and got on with living.
Or “what will that do to the children who love you?”
Something like that.
Emotional blackmail, but effective.
Literally every actor in “Plan Nine From Outer Space” makes the worst actor on the definition.org list look like Olivier by comparison.
Bela Lugosi? He did have at least one good performance.
As you know, whether we can say Bela was really “in” Plan Nine is a matter of some debate.
I don’t know, I never think of “worst” actors, and while I think OJ was arguably the worst I can personally remember, I never think of him as an actor — either the great football player he was or the murderer he became.
Anyway, you’re willing to undertake an effort I would never try. I have seen good moments in film from most of the people you’ve listed. In the end, good or bad, most of them were involved in movies I found very entertaining and watched multiple times.
Eye of the beholder, I guess.
Hey, I’ll take up the challenge. Even the worst actors are pros, and they are seldom bad enough to ruin a good movie. Let’s see movies my Deadly Dozen were in that I enjoyed greatly:
O.J. Simpson: All the Naked Gun films, but he was essantiall a crash dummy in them; for a dramatic role, I’d pick “The Towering Inferno,” the best of the disaster movies, and a personal favorite.
Audie Murphy: “Hell is for Heroes.” I have literally never been able to get through one of his Westerns all the way.
Cybil Shepherd: She was perfect in “The Last Picture Show.”
Roger Moore: Can’t think of one.
Elvis Presley: “Viva Las Vegas,” thanks to Ann-Margret.
Ali McGraw: “Goodbye Columbus” is unpleasant, but a good film.
Rock Hudson: Rock was always harmlessly bland.
Fred Astaire: Oh, I love any movie where Fred dances. He was also bearable (but still bad) in “The Towering Inferno”—maybe the worst Academy Award nomination ever: he should have rejected it.
Annette Funicello: Boy, tough one. She didn’t hurt “The Shaggy Dog.”
Jonathan Winters: “The Loved One” and “The Russians Are Coming!” survive despite his performances.
Stephen Boyd: “Ben-Hur” obviously. “The Fantastic Voyage.”
Johnny Weissmuller: Oh, his Tarzan movies are fun.
Robert Wagner: He was in the first “Titanic,” which isn’t bad, and he burned up well in “The Towering Inferno.”
Read a biography of Murphy a month or so ago. The author agreed that his range as an actor was…limited.
Didn’t watch the Godfather trilogy but my husband did. I walked by the third one while it was playing on screen and, after a few minutes, told him, “I’m not qualified at all to judge someone’s acting ability, but even I can tell that woman right there can’t act at all.”
Turns out every else agreed that Sofia Coppola couldn’t act, too.
Yeah, she would have made my list if I gave her credit for being an actor. She’s adirector like her father, and she was put into G3 as a really stupid and biased casting choice by her usually astute father. Love is blind. She was smart enough to direct her talents elsewhere after crashing and burning.
She wasn’t supposed to be in “The Godfather III” but was recruited when Winona Ryder couldn’t get insured.
jvb
Oh, I know the story. But that was no excuse: there were about 500 capable actresses ready to do the part and 10 X better than Sophia. One of the worst casting botches in history.
Agreed.
jvb
It’s funny the mention of Robert Wagner. I’d forgotten all about him, even as I pondered the subject while reading.
Upon seeing his name on the list I thought back on things I’d seen him in, yeah, generally pretty bad. Except in the Austin Powers movie, where I thought he was great. Sorta fits, though, given the whole concept of those movies.
Indeed. Many middling to bad actors are terrific at mocking themselves.
Cybill Shepherd?
I tbought she was really good at playing a parody of herself.
Call me a philistine but it would put Julia Roberts on the list. She has no range or depth of character development. Yes, she is photogenic but boring.
jvb
But Julia “pops.” She has the “it” quality, and if you got it, the rest is superfluous. Ask Annabeth Gish, who was supposed to be the break-out star of “Mystic Pizza,” got top billing and all the build-up, and was completely wiped off the screen by Roberts. And Gish is a good actress. Genuine movie stars like Roberts—and there aren’t many left– are exempt from acting critiques. In those cases, acting doesn’t matter.
My father always said Katherine Hepburn was not much of an actress because she always just played herself. I guess the movie star thing as you describe Julia Roberts, huh?
By the way, I object to Robert Wagner on the list; he was great in…wait, let me think, there’s the one, uh, no, but…
I meant it when I said he burned up well. That turn in “Towering Inferno” was the best thing I’ve ever seen him do…
Jack! While I was reading your worst actors list, I got to Cybil Shepherd and said, to myself, What? This is blasphemy! She was absolutely fantastic in “The Last Picture Show”. [What an All Time movie]
Then I read the comments and saw that you redeemed yourself, by golly!
My worst actor list includes [as I cringe] Richard Gere, Tom Cruise and Dana Andrews.
My wife agrees with you on Gere. I rate both Cruise and Gere as “movie stars” along with Brad Pitt–they can carry a movie with sheer charisma. You have to concede that Cruise is amazing.
Dana Andrews is a very interesting choice. He was in a lot of classics, but he wasn’t a movie star: he’s dull and predictable. The big question is, was he better than his brother, the range A to B reliable hack Steve Forrest?
Small world and a big family. Another one of Dana Andrews’ 12 siblings was a member of the church I grew up in.