It’s like Russian dolls! Joel Mundt’s Comment of the Day on the uses of shaming spawned this profound Comment of the Day by Ryan Harkins on the evolution of shame, all triggered by the post, “Fat-Shaming Ethics”:
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I don’t believe we’ve removed shaming people from our cultural habits. Rather, what has shifted are the things by which we find shame. Out are failing grades, disruptive behavior, criminal record, sex out of wedlock, picking up a welfare check, impoliteness, slovenly appearances, and the like. In are being white, being conservative, using the wrong words, insisting on the reality of biological sex, being male, being trans-exclusive, insisting on merit, and the like.
Shame is the basic negative feedback that tells us we should not do something. While it can definitely be applied in harmful ways, I don’t think there is a way out of applying shame. Society cannot function if everything is permissible and even applauded. Our efforts, as [commenter] Old Bill has pointed out, to prevent anyone from feeling shame has made a culture that cannot tolerate even the slightest psychological discomfort, and which feels entitled to everything.
Discomfort prompts us to move. That is why negative reinforcement works. Taking a positive-reinforcement-only approach tries to lure people into moving because of being tempted by a nice reward. But the problem with that is that many people will find remaining in place more tolerable than putting forth the effort for the reward. Many people find the short term pleasure of doing what they want now more tempting than the long term pleasure of self-discipline, attainment, and success. In order to get moving, there has to be something that overpowers the temptation to stay put, and sometimes that something has to be sufficiently painful.
Even more important, utilizing the appropriate disciplinary measures early to break bad habits is far less painful than letting the bad habits settle in. All the discomfort that was avoided early on is met with comparatively mountains of pain later. Someone being spanked (I should have had spanking on the list of things we’re currently shamed about) and learning not to take what is not theirs as a toddler might just head off a prison term for theft later on. (I don’t have statistics on that, but this is meant to be a hyperbolic contrast for sake of example.) And we see this being wielded: make sure kids from a very early age know it is shameful to think queer-trans-thruple-sodomy is anything other than beautiful love. Shame them into using the right pronouns. Shame them into exploring their pre-pubescent sexuality as though they were mature adults capable of understanding the implications of what they are doing. Shame them about the carbon dioxide they are exhaling. Shame them for being born privileged (if they were, and perhaps even if they weren’t but didn’t meet the right intersectionality).
The thing with shame is that it is that little voice inside our heads that tells us, “You’re bad.” We often (and often need to) look to others to find affirmation that we’re not as bad as we fear we are. That’s the hook. People know we have that propensity, even that need, and then wield shame as a tool to coerce us into things we don’t want to do. If making us do those things are actually good for us, that’s not a bad thing, up to a point.
In Erikson’s stages of development, the stage “Autonomy vs Shame/Doubt” is very early, in the toddler age range. At some point we’re supposed to equip ourselves to deal with shame. The healthy way to deal with shame is through cultivating humility (know thyself) and discipline (I not only know what is right, I can do it). The unhealthy way is to keep seeking affirmation, and always being at the whim of what other people think.
Ethics Alarms 
Well done Joel.
I meant Ryan. Both were superb in thoughtfulness and articulation
Thanks, Chris!
Ryan,
Thank you for this. I incorrectly asserted that our society is eliminating shame, so I appreciated you highlighting the actual reality of “shifting” shame. While everything you wrote was excellent, I found the last two paragraphs to be especially thought-provoking. The desire for external affirmation rather than internal humility and discipline was something I didn’t think about as I wrote, but is so obviously apparent when I read your reply. This explains much of the lure of social media…that need to be liked. It’s sad to be simultaneously happy with the quality of what you wrote and depressed by what I was reading regarding the decline of our culture.
Your response was truly COTD-worthy. Congrats!!
I forgot to add some of the most important (to our family, at least) items with which society tries to shame us: homeschooling, and having a “large” family. We have four daughters. (I’m trying to convince my wife we need a fifth daughter, so we can be like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, but she’s not thrilled with the idea of another pregnancy.)
When it comes to homeschooling, there is no end to comments about stunting our girls’ ability to socialize, make friends, deal with adverse situations, etc. We receive criticism on that front from family members. ”When are you going to put them into a real school?” ”Don’t you know what you’re doing to your children?” If we weren’t absolutely convinced that we needed to take our childrens’ education into our own hands, we maybe would have caved to all the pressure just from inside our family.
When it comes to having four kids, we even get raised eyebrows from Catholic families at our parish. Catholic families! I thought Catholics were supposed to be notorious for having large families, and we only have four. But everywhere we go, the assumption is that you have only one or two kids, three as a rare outlier. I don’t know how many times we’ve been asked, “You know how that happens, right?” That tends to be a bit more good-natured needling than shame, but society as a whole seems to have the attitude that if you have more than two kids, then you’re being irresponsible, you don’t know how to properly use contraception, even to you’re destroying the world by having more kids.
So many incredibly eloquent writers here. Amazing. Thanks, guys, for elaborating on my little spitballed thoughts. Tremendous exposition. You’ve really hit all the high points.