Sure, Prof. Appiah answers the question from “Name Withheld” correctly, because if he didn’t, the New York Times would have to send its long-time author of its weekly ethics advice column to Madam Louisa’s Home for the Addled and Bewildered. But why did he feel he had to answer such an easy question at all? Slow week for the ol’ mailbag, Kwame?
A wife worried about the fact that her husband is sedentary, fat, and getting fatter asked if it was wrong to try to get him to take affirmative steps to lose some weight. “As we both approach 50,” she writes, “I worry that his B.M.I., which is 30, and his B.R.I. (body roundness index, a measure of abdominal fat) are high (he can’t even button some of his shirts around the middle), which could lead to other health issues. I’ve already tried encouraging him to move more and eat better, but I can’t schedule every one of my workouts for us to exercise together, and he dislikes some of the routines I do, anyway. He’s also very sensitive about his weight.”
“Is it wrong for me to try to get him to take Ozempic?,” she finally asks. “I’m hoping that losing weight will help boost his energy levels, which might lead to more self-care. I know it’s not my body, and I’m not his doctor, but as his wife I also know it will fall to me to care for him if health issues arise.”
Ignore her concentration on Ozempic; she’s not asking about the risks involved with that medication or about the perils of quick fixes. She’s asking if it is wrong (this is The Ethicist she’s writing to) for a spouse to try to get the man she has vowed to love and to cherish to be responsible and take care of himself before it’s too late. Ozempic, Weight Watchers, jogging, whatever: how can a wife’s diligent efforts to somehow convince her husband to get healthier be wrong, as in “unethical”?
Kwame is up to the non-challenge: “You’re not pushing him to ‘fix’ himself; you’re looking out for him,” he writes. “If it turns out to be a difficult conversation all the same? Loving someone can mean risking that discomfort — for the sake of all the days you haven’t yet lived together.”
Well, duh.
This topic strikes a discordant echo with me, because ever since my beloved wife of 43 years died suddenly on Leap Year of 2024, I have felt guilty about not taking better care of her, which meant, in our case, my being more forceful, vigilant and proactive in pushing her to take better care of herself. Recently I realized that Grace (above) was almost certainly either bi-polar or a borderline personality, and was never treated for either problem. She wouldn’t go to a psychiatrist, and distrusted therapists (with good reason, in her case). When her health problems began accumulating (she had struggled with alcoholism for our entire marriage), her response was to shut down when what she needed was more activity, a change in life-style, and healthier habits. I would push until she became angry and defiant, then back off, preferring domestic peace and some temporary happiness for someone I loved than accepting the fact that I was fighting for her life, and in some respects, mine.
I don’t know if I could have prevented her dying the way she did, but I am certain that I was cowardly and neglectful for not doing more to try to get her to care about herself….and I am paying the price now. She paid the price last year.
The real question “Name Withheld” was asking was, “How hard should I try to keep the love of my life from harming his life and ours?”
What possible answer can there be but “As hard as you can, for as long as it takes, and never give up”?
Ethics Alarms 
Yes, one can push and push, but ultimately it is up to the person himself or herself to actually make the changes needed. And after a point, it can be counterproductive to keep pushing, depending on the person.
This is not an academic discussion for me either — for some time I’ve been dealing with a loved one who is morbidly obese and many of the effects of that condition. Every day I deal with the long term consequences of that condition.
I would caveat the answer, for purely practical purposes, with “. . . up to but not beyond the point where it damages the loving relationship beyond repair.”
Yes, you should try to be a positive influence and a force for good, but it would ultimately be counter-productive to push the issue so very very hard that you end up alienating your spouse and having the marriage end even more prematurely in divorce rather than death.
The whole point is to maximize the amount of time you two have together, right?
–Dwayne
Dear Jack,
Don’t beat yourself up. You and Grace were clearly dealing with a mental health trifecta. Thank God she had you pulling for her as long as she did. Most in your position would have walked away. I could go on for days on this topic, but I won’t.
Well, it does give me some solace that Grace often said that everyone she knew in her state or near it said that their spouses walked away. But I consider that a low bar to clear.
You know, I’m surprised you haven’t added Grace’s picture to the montage header at the top of your page. I see your father’s picture often and many other familiar images. Perhaps it has been added but I have never noticed it and I’m usually excellent at noticing details.
Dad’s there because he was a genuine Ethics Hero. Some people think I personalize the blog too much already. That line is one I da’st not cross.