One reason I moved from a writing a website that had formal essays on ethics issues to a blog format is that I wanted my commentary to be more visceral and personal, even venturing into my personal relationships when it seemed appropriate, as when a situation I encounter is one that I believe is an enlightening part of the human experience.
I just had one of those. A woman I consider a close friend, one I have known for nearly 40 years, had a major change in her domestic arrangement and moved out to a more distant section of the Greater Washington area. I have always maintained periodic contact with her—lunch, dinner or drinks—but hadn’t seen her for over a year. I sent her an email inviting her to catch up.
I believe I am fair in saying I have played a substantial role in my friend’s life, beginning when I cast her in a major theatrical production I was directing at a time when she was lost, depressed and seeking a new course in her life. She had no experience but I saw talent: from a chorus part with no lines I encouraged her to take greater risks in theater and to expand her experience and abilities. Eventually she became a successful professional actress in regional theater.
Off the stage, she was one of my favorite people: funny, strong, gutsy. I do not believe we ever had a serious argument. When she needed my advice and intervention, I helped her cope with with a health crisis in her family; when she went through her divorce, I was supportive. (She had met her husband in that first show of mine that she auditioned for.)
Given this background, I was stunned when the answer to my friendly email arrived. It stated that her former life seemed far away now, and apparently I had been filed among “many of all the people” who were involved in theater with her in Northern Virginia. “I just don’t want to look back,” she said. “I wish all good things for you, Jack, I really do. And who knows? Perhaps our paths will cross again someday.”
Not if I see you first, bitch.
I must admit, I was hurt by this abrupt end to a long friendship. I have had the pleasure of making a positive difference in many people’s lives; I don’t expect flowers, demonstrations of ostentatious gratitude or testimonial dinners, but I don’t expect metaphorical kicks in the teeth either. The email was patronizing, and I have a low tolerance for that. It was cold, and I didn’t deserve that either. My response could easily have been “Bite me!” but instead I just expressed my amazement and disappointment. “I don’t reach out to people I’ve cared about out of nostalgia or to relive old times,” I wrote, ‘I reach out to people who I believe are special and who I would prefer to have in my life than not. I’m not sure what I did or didn’t do to warrant exile , but OK, I respect your choices and always have.”
To encapsulate the painful episode, someone I thought was a good friend and someone I know I had always been a good friend to summarily announced that she didn’t want to be friends any more. I find that gratuitously cruel, and cruelty is unethical. I have never done that to anyone, and I never would.
Has this ever happened to you? If so, how did you handle it?
Ethics Alarms 
I tend to run in “special needs” circles, due to a learning disability and certain physical deformities. Plus I’m more of an introvert anyway, so I have very few people that I keep in touch with on a regular basis. These people tend to have struggles I’ve learned to be patient with, because most of the time they mean well, but have difficulty communicating effectively or understanding boundaries. I’ve been cut off by close friends in situations that turned out to be temporary, after they cooled off and realized it was better to have me around than not. I’ve had to stand up for myself and enforce boundaries, and as long as my friends respect that, we’re good. My policy is, unless the person is a truly toxic, negative presence in my life, to keep the door open. When they want to return, prodigal son-style, I welcome them and try to pick up where we left off. We might have an in-depth discussion about expectations going forward, but I try to be forgiving, because to me that’s the Christ-like thing to do, and I don’t want to be the last person that turns someone away before something bad happens to them.
Perhaps all the help you gave her may make it hard for her to maintain her “I did it all by myself” fantasy? Perhaps she doesn’t like your politics? Perhaps she’s an idiot? I’d vote #3. Anyway, to answer your question, it happens to me every time I turn around and I wish they would invite me into their “we don’t like him any more” club. I’d take any position: treasurer, secretary, armorer, well… not that last one.
It happened to me in 2001, a friend who’d been a friend since junior high ( we were 43 at the time) cut me off in an instant over a perceived slight. Long story short, I travelled to the U.S. to set up a Japanese okonomiyaki restaurant; we settled on a Watertown mall as a site. We weren’t a known brand, and construction delays had squeezed us to the point where a grand opening wasn’t in the cards, and the mall didn’t have one for us either. She however, imagined we had an event and didn’t invite her. I explained over and over but it fell on deaf ears. One phone call ended almost 30 years of friendship.
I’ve never heard from her again.
Oh, yeah, this one. First, I have always felt that distance was not an impediment to friendship. When I got married (finally) and moved from New Jersey to Colorado, my “best friend” at that time (NJ) suddenly stopped answering my calls and emails and letters. By suddenly I mean immediately. Granted, my life has always been a mess, and my wedding and subsequent move away from my family were filled with high drama. So, if she felt that I had become too high maintenance, I think I would have understood, even as I was hurt. But I NEVER got ANY kind of explanation. Just silence. Shunned. Yikes! The only lessons I learned were that I was maybe naive about that friendship and maybe about all of my friendships, and that I needed to engage in more self-reflection to figure out why I could be deemed disposable. That was 27 years ago, and it was years before I found my acceptance of the situation. Although I still wonder occasionally, I no longer hurt, as life has gone on with new and old friends, widowhood, years of other joys and sorrows, and a better understanding of myself. Maybe she somehow knew that I needed this to grow and improve myself? Nah, I don’t think so. But I do forgive her.
“I do forgive her.” Here is where being a serious Catholic pays off. I forgive people almost anything, except betrayal. Betrayal to me is signature significance: it means the betrayer is a bad person, that I was conned into trusting him or her, and that the sooner the rest of the world recognizes what they are the better off the world is. Fortunately, true betrayals have been rare in my life, and more common with organizations than individuals. But to me, forgiving someone who had deliberately betrayed you once is the Scorpion and the Frog.
“Betrayal to me is signature significance“
Whenever I think of betrayal, I think of the movie Revenge and how Tibey Mendez (Anthony Quinn)…um…handled it with wife Miyea (Madeleine Stowe) and Kevin Costner’s Michael J. “Jay” Cochran, resulting in one of the most severe cinematic beatings I recall.
PWS
Matter-a-Fact…
While not out of the clear blue, the result was the same; other EA commenters shared similar stories.
PWS
Handling such kiss-offs means facing reality. Many folks seem to spend more time navel gazing than looking at the bigger picture. We have lost decades-long friends over single issues resulting in surprising piss-offs. Covid, politics, common sense statements, etc. No discussion, just immediate “I’m done with you” shut downs.
We have never dropped such friends for momentary disagreements – preferring instead to state our cases succinctly and clearly, then moving on to the ties that bind….or bound….us together.
One was like a third daughter to us – youngest’s college roommate – who sought shelter at our house whenever life threw her a curve and she needed to think things through. She frequently joined us on fun travel adventures.
When Covid hit, and we explained our reasons for not taking the jab, she immediately said “I love you, but worry about you too much, so can’t be part of your world anymore.” Our noting that phone calls, letters, emails, etc were fine, putting her at no risk, was angrily dismissed. Youngest was crushed, because they really were like sisters for years.
Another was a woman-of-color who deemed us racist when we didn’t join the George Floyd freakout – despite 10 years of close friendship as frequent guests at each others’ homes, my free photo services of her family’s milestones, and several fun outings together.
These, and similar instances with others hurt….but we’ve always left the door open to reconnecting. Such has happened in many cases over the years, but the friendships on our part changed, being more guarded, less natural. Sad, but that’s today’s world.
We’ve quit taking such brush-offs personally, realizing that these folks often do the same to others. Life would be so much easier and more angst-free if people learned to master the true art of conversation rather than making assumptions.
We’re kind of on the other side of this at the moment. My wife recently had an old college friend reach out. This is someone we’ve seen once in the last twenty years. When we were in college, we were close. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding and part of our close social circle, but we kind of fell off, mostly due to events surrounding our wedding. I have no clue why she’s reaching out now, but I can’t imagine saying I’m not interested.
People like your friend sound like they are going to die alone and full of regret. How sad for them.
I received an “I wish you well, Bill” and looked it up online. As I suspected, it’s generally considered code for, “don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” Ironically, it was just this week while stumbling across a country and western song on the car radio that I heard the best description of what this woman had put me through in college. The lyric’s hook goes, “You took the best of me, and left me the rest of me.” (A clear example of “Three chords and the truth.”)
I’ve come to think we’re set up to enter into attachments, and when they are ruptured, they leave an indelible mark.
People suck. What can I say? I bet you a meal at that place we were going to go to but didn’t get to go to that eventually your friend is going to show up when she needs help and say something along the lines of “I know we’ve been out of touch for a while but I’m hoping…”
yes it has happened to me from both circle of friends and family.
My response would be ” If you need me i will come. You know where to find me if you need me!”
Then I let it go!
We’re all wired differently. Mrs. OB is, in my estimation, “emotionally efficient.” I’m simply not. Different wiring. And never mind the different wiring that creates sociopaths and psychopaths.
I haven’t had this happen. I have friends that I have minimized contact with due to TDS. I am not avoiding them because I dislike them now, I am afraid something will happen that will make them sever the friendship over the TDS. I am hoping they will recover and we can spend more time together. However, I would never refuse an opportunity to have dinner, etc.
This seems bizarre. I have moved around a lot, so I have driven 3 hours just to have lunch with old friends and I can’t imagine someone doing that. I guess the closest I have experienced was a friend whose therapist blocked out most of the time period of our friendship out of her memory with hypnosis.
I have heard about certain therapy groups and cults that are quick to define certain relationships as toxic, and encourage group members to sever ties. Perhaps your friend has been bamboozled by some such group.
We didn’t lose a friend, but one of our daughters-in-law insisted on hearing our opinions about their relationship, and we were banned for suggesting they put the children into school and get actual jobs (instead of living many years on welfare). Haven’t seen them in more than 5 years. I worry for them. They are much loved, but their mother used to spend a lot of time online, searching for diagnoses that would ensure ongoing welfare support. She insisted that my grandchildren be tested more than once for a variety of mental illnesses, including autism and retardation (what is that called, now?).
Not a healthy kiss-off.