In fact, I’ll make this one an Ethics Quiz.
I don’t need to extensively quote the letter inspiring the column. A woman whose much older husband is now consumed with dementia and unable to function or recognize her asks if it would be ethical for her to seek an intimate relationship while remaining married to her husband and serving as his caretaker. “I have a lot of working years and child-rearing years ahead of me…and I find myself desiring physical and emotional intimacy with a partner,” “Name Withheld” writes.
No, it wasn’t Jill Biden. At least, I don’t think so…
If you have been reading my periodic posts involving Kwame Anthony Appiah’s ethics advice in the Times “The Ethicist” column, I’m sure you can guess his response. Hey girl, go for it! No harm no foul! Your man is a veg, and you’re stuck with him: why not live a little in the meantime?
Ok, that framing may be a bit unfair, but it’s still where Kwame comes out. Without saying he’s necessarily wrong, I have several problems with that knee-jerk response.
If that’s the verdict with one serious debilitating illness, why not others, like cancer or ALS…or, to reference something I’m very familiar with, alcoholism? Is the distinction that the demented spouse doesn’t know his or her spouse is having affairs? Hey Ethicist Man, what happened to “Ethics is what you do when no one’s looking”?
I do know that my wife frequently said that if I cheated on her if she became seriously ill, she would come back from the grave and haunt me like Tevye’s grandmother in “Fiddler on the Roof.” And she wasn’t kidding.
Then we have the reverse situation famously experienced by former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She stepped down from SCOTUS in 2005 to care for her husband, John Jay O’Connor, after his Alzheimer’s diagnosis. His condition progressed to the point that he required full-time care and he was moved into an assisted living facility in Phoenix. There his mind deteriorated to the point where he no longer remembered or recognized his wife, and he fell in love with a fellow Alzheimer’s patient. Justice O’Connor was supportive of the relationship, saying, at least in public, that she was thrilled and relieved that her husband was relaxed, happy, and comfortable in his new reality. Later, he became engaged to an ottoman.
(Okay, I was kidding about that last part. )
Your Ethics Alarms Ethics Quiz of the Day is…
Ethics Alarms 
“The Ethicist’s” question is a false binary, which is not unusual for “The Ethicist.” Is breaking a promise ethical? Is withholding information ethical? Is parental paternalism ethical? Is lack of loyalty ethical? Is self-defense ethical?
this is the sort of thing you discuss in advance.
before we got married, my wife and I agreed that we supported the surviving spouse re-marrying after one of us dies.
convinced she will die. Before me, she repeated her admonition.
in a situation where there is no emotional (and presumably physical) intimacy, i would be less inclined to fault a spouse who seeks emotional intimacy (at least) elsewhere. It could be other friends for example, and not be sexual at all.
is that bad? No, of course not. You are not depriving your spouse of anything (presuming that you are meeting the spouse’s other needs).
the trick is really the physical part because we are much more focused on that, generally.
that is why this conversation should have occurred before. When my wife dies and I marry a young hottie, I will make it very clear that, if she treats our enormous brood fairly, then, when it comes to the point that I do not recognize her, her only obligation to me is to make sure I am comfortable; what I truly can’t provide to her because of a medical condition (not general obstinacy or defect in my personality) is something she can seek elsewhere.
-Jut
We just lost my dad at age 90. He had a blood cancer that treatments were no longer working for, and his dementia had accelerated threefold In those last six months. His personality had also changed significantly, and he was at times getting physical with my mom-thankfully not enough to injure her, but it certainly scared her. Never once in their 62 years of marriage had that happened, and it was tense and difficult, especially for her.
However, despite the significant change, and even though my mother has always had admirers (even at 83!), she would never ever consider cheating on my father. They both took their vows very seriously, and they instilled morals and ethics in their daughters from an early age. “Work hard, love fiercely, and have integrity” was a family motto. My mom was loving, patient, and kind with my father as he was losing his faculties and physical strength. She also insisted that he never lose his dignity. Cheating on him would have been an incredible blow to his dignity, and even though he would not have been aware of infidelity, it was the principle of the thing.
She too missed passion and intimacy in those last two years of the dementia and cancer, but she coaxed his romantic side out in different ways. They went out to candlelit dinners at favorite long time restaurants (they were wonderfully supportive when dealing with my dad, who was sometimes challenging in his confusion), danced to their favorite records in the living room, watched tv & talked politics during those rare times when most of his cylinders were firing, hugged and kissed a lot, and my mother tucked my father into bed every single night. She didn’t always handle things perfectly, but she did the absolute best that she could under the circumstances.
I’m 48 years old, and she is still my number one role model. My father will always be my role model even though he’s no longer with us. I’m extremely blessed and happy in my 20 year marriage, and that is due, in large part, to the examples they set. I absorbed all of the good things, addressed-then discarded-the bad, and learned how to handle love & life as it comes.
Regardless of the type of illness/situation, it is never ethical to cheat on your spouse.
Hi Jack!I tried valiantly to post a lengthy comment to this blog…three times…but it’s still not registering. Please let me know if you find it in the bowels of WordPress, lol. Hope you & Spuds are doing great! McCall 😁
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‘in sickness and in health, in good times and bad’
Part of the vows I recited 44 years ago, though not everyone uses the classics.
I can imagine that leaning on a friend for emotional and practical support might lead to a deeper friendship, perhaps even a romance. I can also imagine being so overwhelmed by the grief and loss of my husband that I would shut down entirely, not open to another relationship at all. Both scenarios are legitimate within the boundaries of human nature. Nevertheless, adultery is still unethical, immoral and a mortal sin.
The so-called ethicist should resign.
Perhaps “The Ethicist” should be renamed “The Rationalizer”.
Have none of these people heard of a divorce?
I mean, it probably will make her look bad to their friends, divorcing her ill longtime spouse, but at least she would be honest about what she was doing. I suspect she wants the appearance of a dutiful spouse, caring for her husband while carrying on with another man discreetly. Tough.
It absolutely does. My husband’s cousin divorced her spouse several years after his MS diagnosis. She said he changed, I never knew how he was before hand, the girls didn’t seem to have much to do with him (more criticism), his family was furious at her for abandoning him and she was practically shunned for years, even though we could all see he grew increasingly bitter about his situation as his physical ability degenerated. It’s terribly sad.
My first impulse on this one was to suggest that she divorce him but remain as a caretaker.
The problem with this option, though, is the question of whether or not the husband can truly consent to the divorce, or if his condition and resultant actions rise to the level where a court would grant a divorce over one’s objections, such as with infidelity or physical abuse. Assuming he does neither of those (nor anything else similar), is it fair to force him to divorce if he doesn’t want to and has done nothing wrong? Can he meaningfully consent?
This is a difficult, complicated problem with no real solution save remaining married and faithful. Even then, it doesn’t cease to be a difficult, complicated problem.
–Dwayne
There is no consent required for divorce. Under modern “no fault” only one party may file and the only elements under contestation are the divisions of assets and provisions of financial support.
Does this mean a passive party can be railroaded? Well, yeah. Happens all the time. Happens so much that huge numbers are eschewing the idea of marriage altogether.
Do you agree with “The Ethicist” that stepping out on your demented spouse is ethical?
Some commenters have touched on the vows/contract issues – “in sickness and in health . . .” That is an important element to a marital relationship. An elderly friend experienced a similar situation with his mentally declining wife. When asked if he would consider seeing other women before his wife died, his response was “my wife may not know what I am doing, but I would. I won’t do that to her.”
jvb