Your mother would be happier if you all spent Thanksgiving at home together; you and your spouse would be happier if you spent the holiday elsewhere. There’s no solution, then, that will be best for everyone. In circumstances like these, the ideal is for the parties to discuss the options. You’ve done that. And your mother has offered, in effect, to give up her preferred option so you can have yours. It would be a mistake to suppose that, because she’s your mother and you’re her child, her wishes must always come second. (Or first, depending on your cultural assumptions.) But it would also be a mistake to deny her the opportunity to make a generous choice. If that’s what she’s doing, you can accept her offer with gratitude.

There are some psychological complications worth considering, though. Even with your mother’s blessing, you may spend Thanksgiving guiltily imagining her alone. Then again, if you cancel your trip out of a sense of duty, you may resent your mother, and she may sense it. What was supposed to be a gift could turn into a cheerless occasion for you both. You’ll want to think about the prospective emotional costs of your going … and of your not going.

On balance, I’m inclined to think you should take the trip. But you should also give some thought to what your mother might enjoy doing that day. Perhaps she has friends she could spend it with, or perhaps there’s an event at her residence she’d welcome attending. You might help her make plans, and have her over for a family celebration of your own on another day.

There’s a larger question here, of course. Your mother moved across the country with the expectation of having a fuller family life, and things haven’t worked out as she hoped. You and your sibling should consider how you can help her build a more satisfying life where she now lives. That’s a good deal more important than whether you’re together on the fourth Thursday in November.

Kwame seems to think Mom is 64. The woman is 85! Eight-Five. Four Score years and five. The life expectancy of an American woman is 81. This holiday may be her last. “Discuss the options?” My mother would have been crushed if my sister and I even considered leaving her alone on Thanksgiving. There were no “options,” nor should there be. Being with Mom and/or Dad on Thanksgiving is the least that loving offspring can do when parents are hale, hearty, and have a lively social life. When they have one foot in the metaphorical grave, the decision should be automatic.

The Ethicist’s advice is a cornucopia of dunderheadedness. “Even with your mother’s blessing, you may spend Thanksgiving guiltily imagining her alone,” Kwame writes. Did he even have a mother? I know what “blessings” like that sound like: “Oh, don’t worry about me..I’m sure I’ll be fine, probably. I don’t want to be a burden, and you have your own family to care about. I’m just grateful whenever you can make time for me…I’ll just watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” on TV here alone.” How about “guiltily imagining” her dead? And what kind of jerk resents his or her 85-year-old mother for wanting to have Thanksgiving with her family?

There’s a larger question here, all right. When is the Times going to figure out that they have a dud for an ethics advice columnist? This week’s question would be an excellent interview test for potential replacements. Ask each how they would advise the writer of “Is It Wrong to Leave My 85-Year-Old Mother Alone on Thanksgiving?”, and time how long it takes for each candidate to say, “Of course it is!” And if one says, “It depends,” or “Maybe,” or “Tough one…,” end the interview and wish them success in their future endeavors.