KABOOM! Roy Moore’s Lawyer Just Made My Head Explode. Or As He Would Say, Just Made My Head Exploded

I hate early morning head explosions. Among other reasons, those bits of skull and brain ruin the taste of my coffee.

No, I don’t blame Trent Garman for representing a vile creepazoid like Roy Moore. Creepazoids have rights too, and should have access to trustworthy and competent counsel. My problem with Garman arises from those last four words. Lawyers as untrustworthy and incompetent as Garman, in my opinion (don’t sue me, Trent, it’s just my opinion that you’re an idiot; I can’t prove it, but I do think you did), shouldn’t be representing clients. Garman, in truth, needs to go back to the sixth grade.

Here is the letter Garman authored on Moore’s behalf. I’ll follow it with the stuff that blew my head; you don’t have to read the whole thing unless you’re into inflicting pain on yourself, like that albino monk in “The Da Vinci Code.”

If you do read the letter, you will note that Attorney Garman never learned that the possessive “its” has no apostrophe, and that he writes English like it is a second, and perhaps third, language. Here are the best, as in worst, examples of his professional writing:

 Your client’s organization has made and/or supported defaming statements. This is due to the careless and/or intentionally refused to advance the truth regarding our clients. We also believe that your client, by and through its agents, have damaged our clients by being careless in how they handle headlines and report the contextual of the allegations.

The second statement  actually says “This is due to the careless and/or intentionally refused to advance the truth regarding our clients.” Diagram that for me. That head-scratcher is followed by “We also believe that your client, by and through its agents, have damaged our clients by being careless in how they handle headlines and report the contextual of the allegations.”This isn’t even the worst example of Authentic Frontier Gibberish in the letter. This is:

Thus, do you know this clearly, yet significant difference which your client’s publication(s) have failed to distinguish. And the legal requirement that your client retract the stories, to include the details which clearly are false.

I can’t even decide what to bold on that one.

Disturbingly, we learn in Trent’s biography that he earned a Masters in Theology from Regent University and  translated two books of the Bible from Greek.  I can just imagine what that translation was like.

I’m not nit-picking a blog comment or a hasty tweet. Roy Moore is fighting for his professional life and reputation, and this is the best legal representation he can find? That letter is a professional product. Garrman is obligated to be competent and diligent, not to send the message far and wide that the former judge thinks that this is persuasive logic and deft prose. Do they not proofread at Garman & Liddon? Do they know what proof-reading is? Do they know what syntax, punctuation and grammar are? Coherence? Professionalism?

Shame on the Troy University and Birmingham School of Law for graduating this careless, inarticulate boob. Heck, no high school should graduate someone who can’t write a letter better than that. Shame on his high school too. Shame on his the Alabama Bar for giving him a license.(I would use words other than “shame,” just to reliev the monotony , but as I’m sure you understand, my vocabulary is affected when my brains are on the ceiling…)

The legal field’s dirty little secret is that lawyers who can’t write or articulate a coherent argument are not as rare as they should be, and they should be extinct.  Nonetheless they get fees from innocent clients who assume that these hacks are smart and skilled because they call themselves lawyers.

But Roy Moore called himself a judge, didn’t he?


Maybe this is what George Will calls “condign justice.”


Pointer: Red Ipsa Loquitur


16 thoughts on “KABOOM! Roy Moore’s Lawyer Just Made My Head Explode. Or As He Would Say, Just Made My Head Exploded

  1. As a huge proponent of grammatically correct writing and the intellectual sloppiness implied by the presence of poor spelling – good on you for outing this illiterate nitwit, who is almost certainly, by extension, an equally bad thinker.

  2. Jack, let’s face it. Some lawyers squeak through law school having functioned like Blutto (“Animal House”) as an undergrad and somehow pass the bar. Maybe this guy was a legacy who should have gotten a job driving a Cheeto truck.

  3. I’m not exactly sure how one should reply to such a letter, but I get the sense it should include the phrase “All your Discovery are belong to us,” and end with “For Great Justice.”

  4. If Roy Moore’s judgement is so bad that he hired that dolt, how did he rise to be a judge and Senate candidate?

    Here are a few questions about the dolt… was he a lawyer in a case tried before judge Moore and did he impress Moore to the point that he hired him? What does that lead you to think about the quality of the barristers in Alabamea? I never thought that doors song that mentioned the Alabama Whiskey Bar was talking about that.

  5. With friends of Roy Moore like Garman, what’s to worry Moore’s enemies?
    I guess we’ll just have to trust God to speak through a jackass again.

  6. Yep. That is pretty awful. My 10th grade English teacher would weep as such a product. I guess you can excused for such terrible work when you are an “attorney for the people”, whatever that means. If you do the Lord’s work, the Lord will provide.


    PS: I can understand when a draft gets sent out by mistake, but it would seem to me that the draft would have been on drafty-type paper such as yellow or blue, with no letterhead, and the draft would have “DRAFT” emblazened (is that a word?) across the top and bottom of the pages to distinguish from the final sendable (again, is that a word?) version. All of those steps were missed. How could that be? How could a lawyer doing the Lord’s work be so sloppy, especially in a matter that will attract enormous scrutiny? Does this lawyer understand that his actions, words, and argument will be cut to pieces by the media? If so, then why would he allow that letter to be sent? If not, then why is he involved in a high profile matter where damage control is at the forefront of the controversy? If he sues, he gets to show it to a jury that masterpiece, and the jury gets to read it and ask, “Erm . . . Does anyone in the jury room have any idea what this demand letter means?”


  7. This letter looks to me like something someone who is not an attorney (or particularly literate) might write trying to produce a document that looks like a “lawyer letter”. Plenty of highfalutin phrases like “comport to his typical vernacular”, explanation of the law “as you well know Defamation is”, dire warnings “duty to preserve and maintain evidence”, and the ever popular putting the numeral in brackets following a written number “five [5] women”. I guess if you can’t intimidate them with your intelligence you can opt for trying to baffle them with your bullshit.

  8. Is it possible that a paralegal or secretary typed this up, and somehow it circumvented the editing process and slipped out the door? Just taking a guess at how some law firms might be structured.

  9. Jack – I am sorry your head exploded but am so glad it did. I’m so grateful to discover others care about careful, thoughtful, well executed communication. There are lots of theories for the deterioration, but I do believe when we began to exempt spelling and grammar from evaluation in all other subjects except English, we produced generations of graduates who never comprehended that articulation is important in all disciplines and facets of life. I remember spelling and grammar being a part of my grades in all classes, including science workbooks. Anyway – can’t pretend to be the best writer or communication, but do value it and am grateful for your post and the subsequent comments. Thanks!

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