Res Ipsa Loquitur: Woke Politics And Counter-Factual Progressive Cant Are Driving People Crazy

Here is another question to Slate’s sex advice column, “How to Do It”:

I’m a cis woman in kind of a classic millennial sex pickle: I’m really repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally, but I’m also really into dick. I’ve been thinking maybe I should look for bi dudes/ bicurious gay dudes, but I am not sure how best to do that. Rich, what would you think of a woman being on Grindr or Scruff? I do want to be respectful of gay men’s spaces and not horn in where I’m not welcome, but I really would love to find a vers guy with queer politics who would be up for casually dating a woman. What do you think? If you were me, where would you look?


My answer?

Dear Radical,

If I were you, I would get help, and quick. You have a weak ego, deficient analytical skills and lack a sufficient sense of self and  self-esteem. You have obviously been victimized by irresponsible activists and academic peer group ideologues and bullies who you have been unable to find the courage and logic to oppose despite their delusional residence in an alternate reality as fanciful as Oz or Lilliput.

What you are now suffering from are the kinds of mental and emotional maladies typically associated with cults and the victims of brainwashing.

Read more great literature. Go to some baseball games. Explore the songs of Rodgers and Hart, the Gershwins,  and Irving Berlin. See some Fred and Ginger movies, especially “Top Hat” and “Swing Time.”

Find new friends who aren’t trying to exploit you. See a therapist. The statement “I’m really repelled by heterosexuality politically” makes as much sense as “I’m offended by shoes” or “Short people have no reason to live.” 

Once you realize this, and not before, you’ve been cured.

Good luck. I’ll be rooting for you.

39 thoughts on “Res Ipsa Loquitur: Woke Politics And Counter-Factual Progressive Cant Are Driving People Crazy

  1. Dear Radical,
    Wade out into a body of water that is at least 7 feet deep with a friend, and have him or her hold your head underwater. Stay under until your sanity and sense of priorities has fully returned to normal.

    Near-death experiences are unparalleled in their ability to help people pull their heads out of their asses.

    • I was going to write that I checked our trash can, positive this woman’s answers were there. But I hesitated, not wanting to come off as too sarcastic. Clearly, I’m not even going to make it into the top 10.

      People are losing their minds…

      • Some are losing them, and others are way ahead of the pack. Just think: This is just the tip of the iceberg; the dead canary..

        I wish there was some place where my family and I could batten down the hatches while this thing runs its course. I have a feeling it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better

  2. How is this a “classic millenial sex pickle?” I know quite a few millenials and none of them has ever discussed this with me.

  3. Some of the Slate commenters are certainly giving this conundrum due consideration. To wit:

    One of my kids was opposed to bi-pedalism. She would not give up crawling. The doctor laughed and said, “She’s a stubborn one,” because it was obviously a choice rather than an inability. She was 18 months old before she finally gave in and got up on her feet.

    I hadn’t thought about it as a political “stand”, but now I see… she was politically opposed!

  4. Dear Slate,

    I’m a lifelong vegan who’s personally and politically repelled by meat. The problem is that I really love steak, the rarer the better. In fact, my favorite thing to do is to literally run down a large ruminant of some kind, tearing out its throat with my teeth, and devouring the whole carcass raw, right then and there. Do you think that maybe, if I could convince Whole Foods to let some goats graze among the kale, that they would count as vegetables?

  5. Yeah, that letter is sad. I almost hope it’s a fake letter, because not wanting to be gay is not a moral failing. But she clearly has been trained to think hetero men are the source of all evil. I’d really like to shake the people who did this to her, one and all.

  6. I wonder how far this question would have gotten:

    “I’m a cis man in kind of a classic millennial sex pickle: I’m really repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally, but I’m also really into cunt.”

    • That comment alone would add your name to the list destined for the gulag, er, reeducation camps, once either the Singularity* occurs or when the Utopian Revolution finally places Woke snowflakes in control.

      Fortunately, your name was already on the list.

      *More cultural literacy points

      • As I recall from English 21 while studying Chaucer, it would be “quent” in Middle English. Who says an old fashioned liberal arts education has no value?

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